Like Waves...

The best description I have ever heard about grief besides the fact it is with you always, is that it comes in waves. With the loss of my cousin Cornelius comes the wave of grief for my Uncle Larry, his father. Not until I learned you had transitioned suddenly did I realize how much you still being here felt like my Uncle was still here too. Knowing you are now gone makes his death seem more final than ever. We were cousins yet never lived in the same space or place. We shared visits and a summer or two with your special hugs and the world you lived allowed us to love you whether near or far. Yes, you made us better people when you helped us understand you through your unique capability of having autism. Your autism forced us to be quiet to hear you even without words, patient to know you in all the ways you showed your personality but most of all expanded our sense of what love looks and feels like. So, despite now reflecting on how I or we could have spent more time with you and being repentant for taking the time we had with you for granted I am comforted in always knowing you were and felt loved and cared for by my Aunt Barbara Ann. You were the last piece of my Uncle physically here for us to see and touch and for that I am grateful but now that you have joined him I grieve for losing you and him again.

Not that KINDA mother

With all the media and outlets to write and discuss parenting - mothering often is the foundation of much of that running dialogue. How to and what is the 'norm' or mom bashing. As a fairly new member of this sorority I am finding myself often saying 'I'm not that type of mother'. Being a mother is a process that I am coming into daily and learning who I am as a mother which often times is separate from who I am as a woman. The expectations and constant barrage of social media sites, posts, dribble and overflow of imaging, articles and how-tos is at times insufferable. The generations before us had the benefit of one another and actual interaction not just social media which is becoming a oxymoron because there is often no socializing involved it is random posts, tweets and chats which do not engage or involve others - mostly. My approach is to not beat myself up about all the times I do not meet the 'should' do lists of 'being the best or greatest parent'. In addition, to allow my children to see me authentically not a farce I present as all knowing but a human who can apologize, does not like to cook (or do it all that well either), who gets angry or emotional but always one who is talking and more importantly listening. Being the mother of two angel babies, which I wish made me distinctive but I know too many who are on that road, also has me wondering when and how to introduce my rainbow babies to their angel siblings. I am also debating if this need to integrate them in to my toddler's lives NOW is my way of ensuring I keep their memories alive for me to absolve my feelings of guilt. Guilt for not doing more to interweave them in to our/their lives sooner. Yes, this kinda mother wants to be certain she is also mothering those angel babies. The balance of mothering is always teetering and my hopes are that I do not lose or fail to show up for my children while it seems more is being added to the scales. So, I am okay with being whatever mother that shows up daily, healthy and whole not on any new list of must haves or must dos according to some arbitrary new post, quiz, checklist or any other new inventive way chosen to evaluate mothers. When you see me or my children know and respect the way they are being mothered without comparison or judgement because I am NOT that KINDA mother. Here is my attempt to keep my promise to myself post monthly although I have not posted since May...again the balance of the scales.

Unspeakable

Well, there are no words or language that can...it is unspeakable.This feeling, emotion and desire birthed from love, arms wrapped around, words spoken and unspoken yet breathing in the same air of anxiety, memory, heaviness and inexplicable relief with joy that has emerged through this leg of life's journey of life from birth, to loss and rebirth. There are waves of emotions and I am consumed at times by these feelings and the weight of the goodness that has and is bestowed upon me, my marriage and our children. I have this unyielding pull that yearns to demonstrate my gratitude and gratefulness continually and aloud. I want and need my village to know and feel their connection to my survival and the groundwork for my thriving on this journey. To know without those words, deep silences, sitting and breathing in discomfort, wearing and warring in the heaviness along with life speaking, rejoicing, eating (lot of), immeasurable amounts of laughter, planning and adjusting to new ways of being all help me reflect and rebuild who I am, will be and am becoming moment by moment. This part of my life journey was one I did not want to own yet I now know without it I would not know this me or many of my villagers. I truly know HIM in relationship and not religion. That knowledge has been at the heart of maintaining the heart of my marriage not sure how to weather this storm not knowing if there would ever be relief despite that uncertainty (which is always there in stormy spells) there was love and more love for one another and for our commitment to one another. The storm seem to refresh our bond. The depth of pain is isolating but the presence of other people who just wanted to be there -not fix - but sit there waiting (they knew before I knew) when and that I would come out of the depths of my pain. Some of those people were old friends but many were new friends cultivated around the same pain now used to help support through Caring Connections (Heartstrings) group. As for my tried and true, friends and family this was a journey for them too and I have to acknowledge that they were changed as well seeing, feeling and opening themselves to this experience with me, never to be minimized or set aside they have been changed and their willingness to go along with me has been the greatest measure of friendship and relationship I will ever know. Here is one of my many attempts to put in to words that unspeakable feeling of gratefulness I have for my village.

Last but First

Well, this is the final month of this pregnancy and I have been relatively quiet in the blogsphere. We decided that this little girl will complete our family so we are out of the baby business. To know the happiness and fulfillment of being pregnant and having rainbow babies after the storms of loss is an inexplicable host of emotions, experience and sense of being. I am the mother of 4 and I most enjoy when people recognize and speak the names of my angel babies when they talk about my children not just the ones they see. So, in this last month of waddling, readying her space in our home and preparing for maternity leave I am reflective on this journey to motherhood and our family that began in 2012. This pregnancy was less health stress but more exhausting with a toddler running around. I even sometimes forgot I was pregnant until my body reminded me around week 28 (7 month) or so. The anxiety of getting my last baby here healthy has been replaced with the anxiety of having two of them present at the same time. I know the all consuming thinking, worrying, hoping and praying to conceive, carry to term and birth a healthy baby has now been replaced with over consumption of what's best, balancing screen time, healthy meals, language and learning concerns. For some women and couples so much goes in to getting a healthy baby here that there is no space to think through what and how life will be once they are here. In addition, to once they are here the time goes with a blink of an eye (which is all the sleep you get) and you are hoping to have cherished every moment of them. But to do it again - whew! It sounds great, yes he needs a sibling but those overwhelming thoughts of fear, doubt and the ordeal of conception and pregnancy arose again. Once again you are fighting the battle, which you have already won, but somehow that is not as consoling as you thought it would be once you have endured loss. Pulling and fortifying my faith is constant I have discovered you are never done building and rebuilding faith. Faith remains, maintains and sustains.

Reflection, Realization and Reignite

Reflection, in the new year and on the eve of a pivotal birthday year (yasss I am becoming 40) I have been racing to catch up with my mind as it reassess my last year and the past decade of my life. I have come to realize that relationships are the crux of our being whether that is family, friendship and/or intimate relationships. How a person filters their reality is often through the connections with other people - I know I am witty, matter-of-fact, a deep thinker, loyal, a friend, partner, mother, woman and most important loved through other's interactions and responses to me. It is in those relationships I have learned how to be a friend, partner, thoughtful, candid, nurturing, and more of the woman I am. Here's the realization, the truth I have gained this past decade - well there are many - but the one I think most authentic to this season in my life today is not about removing others or who you need to lose, which is often espoused in the new year new me branding, but for me more about clearly knowing who I am and maintaining that person despite others or circumstances. So, my thoughts are not about those around me who may or may not be bringing life or truth but more about how I can be profoundly me in how I handle them. Figuring out who you are is a complex process in itself. Once you know who you are it seems you are constantly having to protect and assert that you/person regardless of pressures and desires from society, expectations of others and this imaginary idea of who you 'should' be. As a human you are constantly bombarded with an endless montage of 'shoulds' in my case the type of black woman you 'should' be, what you 'should' have achieved at a certain age or stage in life, how you 'should' partner in your relationship, not to mention the the best mothers 'should' along with the assortment of commentary on women and friendships. Yes, some of those 'shoulds' can be viewed as advice or practical goals but much of the space it consumes in our society or our minds squeezes out the space that confirms that who I am is enough in all areas of my being. By no means am I saying not to aspire to be better but I am certainly saying take care of yourself, take stock in yourself and not so much on outside sources or pressures. Knowing who I am, accepting and appreciating that helps me filter and make decisions about my life. I can say 'no' without anxiety, I can choose to overlook or address comments from others about my, especially my mothering, life. I can spend my time with whom I chose without obligation. Reigniting my goals to develop and complete a book, pursue a second career option that will afford me more time with my family, where I am more aligned with my philosophy of education and humanity (which contradicts what education looks and feels like for my community - different/later blog topic), and maintain and grow relationships that are complementary while enforcing boundaries on other relationships. For the next 40 I am going to be me in my fullness really stretching to envelope all the space in my life that I may give myself sincerely to the life I have been gifted. Out goes the sayings, mantras or cliches about ones's circle and/or leaving others behind AND up goes my mirror to reflect, realize and reignite to be my best self. Here's to 40 more...

10 years Thoughtful Time Together

Well, I spend a lot of time writing about my grief process from my angel babies, my faith relationship with God and my joys of being a new mom. Never mistake I could not do this without a partner who supports, encourages and gives me space to be the layered woman I am. This post is for him.... my husband. This August marked our 10 year anniversary and it has been a complex, grand, exhausting, tested and true experience. In relationships we often take one another for granted unconsciously with our busy lives, schedules and obligations. However, he has always motivated me, valued, me as person and woman but mostly respected my feelings along with my independence. I am more than a handful at all times. He has been patient, thoughtful and wise with me and our family. More importantly, never has he allowed me to to give in to fear, stress or the belief that 'we can't' in any situation. Now he is truly the epitome of an action speaks louder than words kind of man.He may not say much but I somehow always feel his presence confirming we are partners in this together. Even times when I felt like a failure and I was failing him he continued to establish his love for me and our relationship. For his presence and his partnership these first 10 years have truly fortified us for the next decades to come. I now know God's love toward me through the mate he directed me to chose. He truly compliments me in ways that maintain our love. More than the love it keeps us 'liking' each other always talking and enjoying each other's company and that is what I know will continue the flame and the fun of being married to him. So, to you Mr. Lambert I say I enjoy you, us, our family and this life we are building while flying...you feel me (his joke)!

Savoring Not Spoiling

It has been 7 months of new life in our family. I often hear as a new mom DON'T you will spoil him. Oh well, I did all the don'ts and have coined a new term 'savoring'. I am savoring every moment that he is this size, huggable, willingly allowing me to snuggle him, reaching out for me, rocking and shaking him until he rests sweetly against my chest. Each day or week he is a new size, doing a new thing, recognizing he can do this and of course putting it in his mouth. So what, he is not milk or food he will not spoil but if I do not savor these moments I will spoil my time as his mommy when he was oh so small and needy. There will come a time when he will not be small (have you seen my husband!) and will be independent so let me savor him and this time. Yea, he may cry a little longer when I put him down or want to sleep with me at times and be a little shy with strangers but he is my baby and only for a short time in contrast of how much time he is spending growing out of being my baby boy. Each day he seems bigger or new to me so I am savoring him. When you see me hold him a little longer before putting him to sleep or spend much of my day snuggling him. Recently, returning to work adds perspective to how much time we are apart, especially after spending the first 7 months of his life with him full time. I realize I only get a few hours in the morning and evening so again allow me to savor him and don't spoil it.