Loss & Birth

I am a mess of emotions today. Not just because it's the day I was born (only some short time ago because I am so young) but it is also the day of my baby shower. This is a day I was not sure I would ever experience or be sane/brave enough to endure/enjoy. I struggled throughout this pregnancy about whether or not I should have a baby shower. This is the third attempt to plan one having experienced the loss of two babies. It seemed each time I got to a place of excitement and the planning of a shower I would encounter the unimaginable loss of my baby. So, there was much anxiety and fear wrapped in this idea of planning again. But God! I kept telling myself once I made this milestone in my pregnancy I would consider the planning. Pregnancy and hoping after losses is holding your breathe in between every doctor's appointment and exhaling as you leave the office only to start holding it again until the next appointment. With each exhale you feel relief but it only for short time and you are again restricted or limited in truly experiencing the innocence of pregnancy. During those exhale moments my team was able to get me to agree to a shower and participate (minimally) in the planning. I/we have made it to the day of this celebration of life so befitting it is on the day my life began (my birthday). The reality of this event has me in deep thought and feeling. Grateful for everyone who knowingly and unknowingly have been on this part of the tour of my life's journey to being a mother. Yet, in awe of how I got here - but would not want to be any other place. The amazement of how God orchestrated and designed my life to line up with people and experiences these past four years while riding the roller coaster of grief, loss, bereavement, despair, faith, hope and longing proves he has been directing this life I call my own the entire time.. I loved and believed in God because I knew that I should - I have always been a 'should' kind of person. Not knowing what to do next when I hit insurmountable twists and turns these past four years forced me to REALLY practice this 'should' faith and belief in God. The experiences of loss have moved me from a 'should' to an 'am' person. I am a lover and believer of God. HE has made my life a true manifestation of Isaiah 55:8-9 'His ways and plans are not our ways they are higher'. With HIS words I know today will be a great time of joy, love and celebration honoring his blessing of a child as HE continues to comfort me throughout this day.