THREEmendous Months of Motherhood

Wow! My goal was to blog more but being a mother has taken over my days trying to sneak in sleep in between feedings and being obsessed with taking pics of my lil baby boy. Well, here is the next edition...it is amazing how much he changes daily. He is developing his personality and I now know he is a morning baby but I am not a morning mama. However, when he hits me with those bright eyes and grin I cannot help but want to be up at 4 am grinning with him. Oh yea the breastfeeding thing is still going strong - although I am quitting daily - but it is the easiest in the middle of the night when he is hungry. Of course I am doing all the DON'Ts he is sleeping with me, I carry or baby wear him constantly and I do not always sleep when he sleeps hence me blogging now. I am also the googling Mom double checking that he is developing his milestones. Having him hold and grab things or simply rolling over makes my day I feel such a sense of achievement as his mother. As Mother's Day approaches I am in a different place because I have been a mother for fours years to 2 angels but somehow having my rainbow will make this weekend more monumental for me and my family. There are still days (and always will be) that I am spiritually overwhelmed and it comes out emotionally in my tears as I see faith fulfilled in Kaden's presence. At times worry creeps in that I am raising a black man in these times where Trump is a viable candidate to run our country. It is these times I go back to God and my faith believing he will lead us as we rear him in America in the 21st century. There are days I go through all these elements of spirit, worry, researching and loving (you say spoiling) him - did not know I would feel so deeply, daily. Again, I cannot praise my mother and friends that are mothers enough for their examples, listening ear but also learning that it is okay I am fallible and will make mistakes. Moreover, the team approach with the hubby has been the most rewarding lately - truly knowing we are in this tired and together. Kaden has changed our relationship, routines, sleep but mostly the depth or magnitude of love we experience because of him. Motherhood/parenting (I know cliche) truly is love.

4 years and 10 weeks

Today marks 4 year angelversary for my first child, Kennedy Joi while I care for my 10 week old baby boy, Kaden Amir. This day four years ago made me a mother and I had to start truly caring for her well being more than anything. I learned about parenting sacrifice and difficult decisions from KJoi's birth and death. She will always be with me, along with all the dreams I had for her. I say her name and acknowledge her life always but especially today when she entered this world. I learned much from her about selflessness and love most of all. Loving her enough to do what is best for her life was to let God have her fragile body not yet ready for this world. Being with KJoi started a new work in me, my faith and relationships were deepened. She has helped me become the mother I am today. Surviving the loss of her has helped me to thrive, living and cherishing all life moments. She has helped me to continue pursuing motherhood which was not simple or without obstacles. Yet, we are here with my rainbow baby after the storm. Kaden can never replace her presence in my life. I am enjoying this experience of motherhood with him albeit different from motherhood with her. I have been forever changed because of her and Kaden's life has been enriched having his sister as an angel watching over him. Loss changes but does not lessen especially for those who believe because HE enriches life giving beauty for our ashes.

2 Weeks of New Life

Wow! Today marks two weeks of life for our new family of me, hubby and our bouncing baby boy. These two weeks have been the most emotional, amazing, eye-opening and authentic experiences of my relationship with my mom, my marriage and motherhood. I have always knew my mom was this incomparable woman but having her with me to help me the first pivotal moments of my son's life made me thankful to God for choosing her for me. In addition, finally seeing the sheer joy and overflow of love that my husband exudes when he looks, touches and holds our son makes me feels accomplished as his wife. Moreover, as sleep eludes me I realized as a new mother that the African proverb 'it takes a village' is literally true. You need more than yourself when there is new life introduced. I began to reflect and recognize that all the women in my life who are single mothers have led me astray - they made it look easy and with some flare too. I knew they were always tired and running but I had no idea that the running is never ending. Not just physically running but mentally always thinking, worrying, planning and parenting. I never imagined this level of exhaustion but not wanting to sleep because you do not want to miss a moment of their life. All these emotions, hormones, no sleep, trying to always do the best and wanting to watch each new thing this new life brings is an exorbitant task. No one quite warned me sufficiently for this task. Yet, I am learning there is not anything one can put into language that truly describes what becoming and being a new mother is and will be. We have made it this far - two weeks of life - with a few hiccups along the way but most importantly this life confirms HIS life. God's promises have manifest in our lives through the birth of our son. Having endured this journey solidifies that God has designed my life not myself. This revelation brings to life the saying 'you are not your own' with Christ and more so now as a parent I am no longer LaTanya I am now Kaden's mom. I am excited to embark on this new life as Kaden's mom, one in which I have prayed for, this life, his life and our lives and now that more enriched.

Loss & Birth

I am a mess of emotions today. Not just because it's the day I was born (only some short time ago because I am so young) but it is also the day of my baby shower. This is a day I was not sure I would ever experience or be sane/brave enough to endure/enjoy. I struggled throughout this pregnancy about whether or not I should have a baby shower. This is the third attempt to plan one having experienced the loss of two babies. It seemed each time I got to a place of excitement and the planning of a shower I would encounter the unimaginable loss of my baby. So, there was much anxiety and fear wrapped in this idea of planning again. But God! I kept telling myself once I made this milestone in my pregnancy I would consider the planning. Pregnancy and hoping after losses is holding your breathe in between every doctor's appointment and exhaling as you leave the office only to start holding it again until the next appointment. With each exhale you feel relief but it only for short time and you are again restricted or limited in truly experiencing the innocence of pregnancy. During those exhale moments my team was able to get me to agree to a shower and participate (minimally) in the planning. I/we have made it to the day of this celebration of life so befitting it is on the day my life began (my birthday). The reality of this event has me in deep thought and feeling. Grateful for everyone who knowingly and unknowingly have been on this part of the tour of my life's journey to being a mother. Yet, in awe of how I got here - but would not want to be any other place. The amazement of how God orchestrated and designed my life to line up with people and experiences these past four years while riding the roller coaster of grief, loss, bereavement, despair, faith, hope and longing proves he has been directing this life I call my own the entire time.. I loved and believed in God because I knew that I should - I have always been a 'should' kind of person. Not knowing what to do next when I hit insurmountable twists and turns these past four years forced me to REALLY practice this 'should' faith and belief in God. The experiences of loss have moved me from a 'should' to an 'am' person. I am a lover and believer of God. HE has made my life a true manifestation of Isaiah 55:8-9 'His ways and plans are not our ways they are higher'. With HIS words I know today will be a great time of joy, love and celebration honoring his blessing of a child as HE continues to comfort me throughout this day.

More than a NEW year

It has been over a year since my last blog. Loss, fertility but more importantly living. I am living life the time I have been away not just a woman pursuing her fertility and maintaining her marriage but living. I did VEGAS girl style, Mexico with the Mister and the land of dreams Hollywood. Along with becoming a veteran teacher of 15 years in the game and still by some slim chance loving it here and there. Not just a veteran teacher but one born, bred and building in the trenches of a neighborhood city school where I see and help cultivate the roses among the concrete. Throughout all this life and living we got pregnant through IVF (which is a whole other life adjustment). Initially well throughout I have been quite hush, hush about this MIRACLE. Presently being 8 months with a 'normal'pregnancy I have allowed this journey or moment to go by without much fan fare. I told those who I took along on my roller coaster of loss and fertility initially and others knew from my growing belly. Many were afraid to ask because they remembered my losses and did not know how to ask or if I would invite them into this new part of the journey. That delicate space of 'don't ask don't tell' had it's own ebb and flow. At times I ignored the waves of others feelings about 'wanting' or 'expecting' to know and then there were times where the waves submerged me and I got swallowed into others emotions. However, I managed to put my feelings in the forefront and let the others weather the waves on their own - because after all at the end I have to be well for myself, my baby and my marriage not THEM. Yet, there were select others who were my watchful, patient, cheering section who perfectly balanced 'how', 'when' and 'just right' times to talk, LISTEN and sit with me throughout this new path of being pregnant at this time in this moment which is not the moments before it is different because it is now. Now, where I know I can endure, triumph and live again. This now life, different from before because I am different than before. So, for the last month of this new life inside of me I will tell about this difference coming back to blogging for such a time as this.

lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster

lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster: Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again b...

Roller Coaster

Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again booted in the lake of sadness, disappointment and can't take it anymore. Mentally I know we (and I) can keep going on this (our)journey to living babies especially after having a TAC placed June 2013. We took a year to emotionally and psychologically get ourselves together after two losses in 2012. But each month that we are TTC and are not pregnant I feel kicked in the stomach again while rowing back the land of HOPE which makes it much harder to stay the course. I am a believer and know God is here in this boat with us and at times HE is doing most of the rowing with FAITH back to the land of HOPE. Yet, that does not stop the emotional waves I feel of being a failure and that it should not be this hard and why/what is wrong with me or us that we have this struggle? Tears flow, flowing, running and at times I cannot bear to share this with others b/c I feel as if they won't get it and I will just be whining. I have to get it out so here is the flow from my heart about my desire to be a mother. My fear is having to do something more invasive than IUI such as IVF. I know life is a marathon but I feel as if my husband and I are in a triathlon with a series of events in which we have endured already. This experience requires God because only HE has gotten us through it with an intact marriage and with our own independent sense of sanity to still be present today. So, now it is God I cry out to help soothe this doubt and pain despite the anxiety, fear or fact it may occur again next month until HIS appointed time.