all over the place - present/future?

Brought my son home today. Never thought I would have a shelf with my children. More like a shelf of photos of them not urns. Is this it for me? I wonder at times then the quiet voice of God whispers it is not over. Yes, it will not be easy or normal for me I see the idea of being on bedrest for 7 or 8 months is not ideal but life without children is that the life I want or can live with? It's only been 3 weeks there are times where I feel like time stands still then I realize time is moving. There are things that need to be done and I push myself to get back in the rhythm of life. My life has a new beat now and I struggle to keep up at times. There are moments when I catch myself laughing or actually living in the moment (not just existing) I am guilty because I have almost forgotten what has happened how can I forget. Or is forgetting the way to survive this ordeal. I always wanted to be a writer but did not want to tell this story. I change from moment to moment - got it together LaTanya, then blubbering mom wannabe, then clueless ambitionless shell, then gotta a plan Mrs. Lambert and somewhere in there is a wife and friend - and this occurs all in a day. I knew children would change my life but this is not the change I had in mind - who does?