Split Personality

Well the last few days I felt more hopeful tan ever since 11/18 when I realized I was losing another baby. But even with that hope I still have not been able to talk about it again. How can I be hopeful for my future, family and sanity while at the same time unable to speak the reality of what has happened? I know its a process no need to hit me with the cliches about time healing all wounds, or it is gonna take time or all other spiritual ones about God has a plan etc. Right now although I know all those things are or will be true at some point but not NOW I am not there to consciously receive them. All I know now is I am hopeful for a family however God sees fit to deliver that promise to me (us). Now we are taking time to heal physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually and get back to who we are individually and as a couple. I know that healing for KJoi was stunted with the news of new pregnancy and a new lease on life for new life. But here we are again...the waves of hope and pain of reality flow throughout the 24 hours of each of my days. Time with my hubby, calls/texts/emails from from friends and knowing a new year is coming help me make it through with sanity each day. Feeling and knowing I am loved helps but a deep desire for our babies still lives and will always live in the same place as this hope (renewed) springs each day. How many times can a person be made over - in discussing a theme for this year all we came up with was loss but I still am searching for a positive to put next to that loss - maybe my blog title says it best lossyetfaithful. I need to me more than the girl who most two babies this year I want to be more for myself, my husband, all those who love and care for me. I still want to be a mother too... Maybe this post should be mutliple personalities not just split.