IDK

I don't know about anything anymore. As I was thinking about my future and knowing that if/when we decide to have another baby I will have to be on bed rest for the pregnancy. I really am sent into the realm of unknowing, uncertainty and indifference. I am not sure what I want to do with my life beyond being here each day - I am wondering about ambition or goals what are those things? I knew what I wanted before a family and nice quiet life of being a responsible citizen but now I am not sure of some things. Career...dreams... Where are those things? I know I can return to my classroom but what else beyond that - where do I want to be 5 - 10 yrs from now? I have been taking it moment to moment not just day to day. Although, the past few days have been good. I have actually told someone about LJ recently and it was difficult but I knew it was a step I needed to take in addition to this was my good friend and I needed her so she needed to know. Moreover, I can not continue to hide from the reality of what has happened again. Not knowing is not who I am - I always have been aware of who and what I wanted in life and pursued those things but now living in this place of uncertainty is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. There are times when i am ready to go out and resume my life I get this surge of bravery to face it all but there are other times when I just want to stay inside avoid the looks, questions and discomfort of the world. I know I am going to be here but beyond that I am not sure about much else. I know I cannot wait to kick 2012 outta here and welcome in the newness of 2013 but what I am welcoming??? What I do know is that there is God because I would in NO way still be here physically or mentally without HIS presence daily but where I am with HIM I don't know. I know I am loved, I know that life is not over but what life I again I do not know.