Holidaze

Well, I got through Christmas Day. Thought I was good but the next morning it hit - some of the sadness about my children who are not here with me physically. I can say some because lately I find myself smiling when I think of them and not so sad. The best gift I got was hearing my husband sound hopeful about more children and say he knows there will be children in our future. This is a topic he dared not mention since our last loss. There has been so much conversation about things that can and will occupy our life and time since our children are not here but knowing that he too has hope again - the same hope that sprang in me soon after our last loss - makes me not so sad. The rest of the day was a daze just trying to get through and again occupy our minds. I never realized how much work it is to not think about something until now. Not thinking is the daze to get through. Most of the times the daze works and other people mostly do not recognize the daze - at times the energy it takes from you can be much but it;s necessary to get through this 'normal' part of our lives. Do not mistake me I am grateful for what I still have and most of all my sanity. I am most looking forward to New Year's Day... for any since of newness I can get. I know this newness will help me with the daily daze of of my life's journey. One day I will look up and no longer be in that daze or need that daze for my journey.