Hope???

I was more hopeful today than I have ever been since this process started again for me (us) 11/18. I felt renewed despite having a REALLY rough day yesterday. Having to talk about it and even being conscience of what has happened again (at times I forget and feel as if I am dreaming or its 5 months ago and I am not pregnant at all). Being in the moment is hard for me, knowing I have to let myself feel these things is even harder at times, I want to be strong for my husband and family so they do not worry too much about me but I am often reminded of my vulnerability as a human when the tears and wailing overcomes my ability to hold on. Knowing I am loved helps but does not soothe the aching in my heart for my children and the emptiness of my arms. But today I feel as if I can go on and get past this - despite the burning urge to be someone else right now. Can I be hopeless but want to be someone else too? I have hope for my (our) future for 2013 but plan on entering anew. Am I really hopeful being someone new? Am I changing or am I putting on a mask?

????

I never asked why before but now I have this burning inside needing to know why medically and spiritually. My faith was injured the first time but not enough to question but now I am questioning everything. Like what will my life be like until I have a family? Having a family has been my focus for the last two years I have turned down jobs and career opportunities in anticipation of having a baby but now there is no baby and where am I? Where are we - my marriage? Tons of questions and no closer to answers afraid to ask HIM not sure if I want to know HIS answer about my life. Afraid it may be that children are not apart of my life. These thoughts are not good or positive and as my support would tell me God keeps HIS promises and children are apart of HIS promises. There are days where I see myself clearly then there are times that I am not sure who I am which creates more questions of who am I becoming? Knowing that there are others who have gone through this journey helps me feel I am not alone but still does not quiet my questions. Why me? Children when? Healthy place spiritually and for my marriage?? But one question I do know answer too is God is love...

WOW not Again

I never thought I would be back here again. We were nervous but excited that we were pregnant again 2 months after the loss of KJoi. We arrived at the critical point of 22 weeks again and there was a heightened sense of worry. But things were going well until again at 22 weeks there was a complication which quickly lead us back to where we were 6 months ago with KJoi. There I was and it was happening again pre-term labor and losing another baby (Langston Joseph - LJ). We so badly want a family and there is no real answer for why it keeps occurring at 22 weeks with no apparent signs of trouble. Again there was the anger and fear that I will never have a family. I also begin to have fears about my marriage wondering if my husband would be okay with being in a marriage without children. I begin feeling inadequate that I could not give him something so natural as if I was depriving him of a desire - where would that leave us in our marriage? He is worried about me physically and mentally - thinks I may be going cuckoo and I know that is a reality. Losing 2 children in 1 year is too much for 1 person to handle I pray I and we can get through this and still hope for a family. I do know that I have so many people who love and care for me who are helping me through this yet again. They also want me to keep hope for a family. There seem to be many people I know who have suffered with miscarriages but never spoke about it - however for me there is a distinction between a miscarriage and giving birth to two babies, holding them, knowing them and not being able to take them home. Now there are 2 angels that watch over us Kjoi and LJ. I have not told some about our loss yet it was holiday and I just could not speak of it. Friends & family do not want me to be alone but I want to be in my home and not a burden to anyone else during this time - I know that is not how they may feel but it is my feeling. I am gonna go get some help for myself and for us too - just to be sure we are gonna be more than okay individually and as a couple.

Mothering

I realized how much each step of this journey is valuable and necessary for movement. Going to my parents home and seeing my daughter's photos up with the other family photos was heartwarming yet real. Seeing those photos help me realize her process too as a grandmother being proud of the birth of her grandchild. It's helping me to be more open about Kennedy's life and gives me strength to keep moving on this journey. Through her expression I felt this urge to have pictures posted of my baby in my home. I had this excitement about choosing which photos and creating a collage arrangement to be presented in my home. I began to think about dedicating a space for her. She now is in our bedroom close to us always and I do not think I want her anyplace else in my home but I am going to put up her photos to begin celebrating her life and her memory. As my husband and I plan for more children I believe her photos will help me feel as if we are continually honoring her place in our family. Through that honor I can let go of the guilt I have for wanting more children. It was through this strengthened bond between my mother and I that has helped me be a mother to the life and memory of Kennedy Joi. It also makes this loss real there are times I feel like I am a walking zombie going through the motions of my life where this did not happen but her photos bring me to reality. I need that reality to continue on this journey I do not want to be stagnate because I have to be in each moment on this journey to move. So, thanks Mom for being an integral part of my life always, and such a pivotal part of this journey while you are on your journey too - how amazing. The realization of this ephiphany clearly shows how God works - for me to be able to have this perspective about this journey astounds me that it has been so clear and transforming in a way that I still love God even more understanding His love for me.

from another on this journey

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

For All My Compassionate Friends/Family

Your Compassionate Friend I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk, So come take my hand and let's go for a walk. See, I'm not like the others - I won't shy away, Because I want to hear what you've got to say. Your child has died and you need to be heard, But they don't want to hear a single word. They tell you your child's "with God", so be strong. They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong. They're just hurting for you and trying to say, They'd give anything to help take your pain away. But they're struggling with feelings they can't understand So forgive them for not offering a helping hand. I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile. I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile. I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn, I'll just stay and listen 'til your night turns to morn. Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long, And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong. So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare, And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there. See, I owe a debt you can help me repay For not long ago, I was helped the same way. As I stumbled and fell thru a world so unreal, So believe when I say that I know how you feel. I don't look for praise or financial gain And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain. I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end- I'll be your Compassionate Friend. Author: Steven L. Channin

Road to new LIFE

Today I went in and spoke with my MD about what really happened. I am tired of thinking or saying it was fluke - it was a premature rupture of my membrane (water break) in which an infection ensued through the rupture to the placenta, umbilical cord and water bag. This what I heard previously but wanted to ensure there were not other medical concerns that may have lead/cause the rupture but there is nothing that pinpoints to a cause. I needed this MD review so that I was clear that I am healthy and have no problem carrying a baby this experience was not one that could have been prevented by myself or medical intervention. So our next step is a pre-conception plan and back to the fertility specialist. Our plan ironically aligns with what we were doing last year this time we started fertility September 2011 and will be again September 2012. I never thought wanting children would be this intense of a journey in our lives. I knew children would be life-altering but in the best ways and I still believe that. This experience has transformed the eyes I see through but I cannot help but see more babies.