Mothering

I realized how much each step of this journey is valuable and necessary for movement. Going to my parents home and seeing my daughter's photos up with the other family photos was heartwarming yet real. Seeing those photos help me realize her process too as a grandmother being proud of the birth of her grandchild. It's helping me to be more open about Kennedy's life and gives me strength to keep moving on this journey. Through her expression I felt this urge to have pictures posted of my baby in my home. I had this excitement about choosing which photos and creating a collage arrangement to be presented in my home. I began to think about dedicating a space for her. She now is in our bedroom close to us always and I do not think I want her anyplace else in my home but I am going to put up her photos to begin celebrating her life and her memory. As my husband and I plan for more children I believe her photos will help me feel as if we are continually honoring her place in our family. Through that honor I can let go of the guilt I have for wanting more children. It was through this strengthened bond between my mother and I that has helped me be a mother to the life and memory of Kennedy Joi. It also makes this loss real there are times I feel like I am a walking zombie going through the motions of my life where this did not happen but her photos bring me to reality. I need that reality to continue on this journey I do not want to be stagnate because I have to be in each moment on this journey to move. So, thanks Mom for being an integral part of my life always, and such a pivotal part of this journey while you are on your journey too - how amazing. The realization of this ephiphany clearly shows how God works - for me to be able to have this perspective about this journey astounds me that it has been so clear and transforming in a way that I still love God even more understanding His love for me.