Thursday, June 21, 2012
1 month
Well, I have been seeking an outlet for the mixture of feelings I have since my loss. Here I go...I feel guilty, angry, empty and lost. I feel as if losing my daughter is somehow my fault either while she was inside my womb (did I do something wrong?) or not being a better advocate for her once she was here with her medical care. I am angry that it happen to her, my husband and I when we were "good" people. We got married, nurtured the marriage and then planned our family - so why didn't it work? Her not being here leaves a space that I had gotten accustomed to when she was here with us from April 14 - May 21. I miss caring for her and holding her in my arms there is a gaping space there. Now, I do not know what to do with myself and my life. I was prepared and had planned on being a mother at this time NOW. I have the summer off for the first time ever in my teaching career and do not know what to do with this time and really unmotivated to find something to do with this time. Many know me as a 'planner' always seeking what to do with my time with no desire to be idle but NOW there are no plans and nothing in sight. My plan was to nurture her this summer. Yes, I love GOD and know HIS plans are not always ours and that HE puts no more on us then we can bear BUT BUT BUT those words do not sound the same in my ears after this experience with Kennedy Joi.
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I was mad too for you, I was hurt that God allowed this to happened in your life but a pity party we can not have. But some how with God you will make it. Each day will be a challenge but God has equipted you for it. You will surprise yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs you know already I lost my daughter also. It has almost been a year and I still cry almost everyday . She was my world and the love of my life. I find that praying and talking to her helps a lot. Lossing a child is so hard . The only thing that can cure your pain I believe is time and tears. It's okay to let it out. Your in my prayers.
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