Holidaze

Well, I got through Christmas Day. Thought I was good but the next morning it hit - some of the sadness about my children who are not here with me physically. I can say some because lately I find myself smiling when I think of them and not so sad. The best gift I got was hearing my husband sound hopeful about more children and say he knows there will be children in our future. This is a topic he dared not mention since our last loss. There has been so much conversation about things that can and will occupy our life and time since our children are not here but knowing that he too has hope again - the same hope that sprang in me soon after our last loss - makes me not so sad. The rest of the day was a daze just trying to get through and again occupy our minds. I never realized how much work it is to not think about something until now. Not thinking is the daze to get through. Most of the times the daze works and other people mostly do not recognize the daze - at times the energy it takes from you can be much but it;s necessary to get through this 'normal' part of our lives. Do not mistake me I am grateful for what I still have and most of all my sanity. I am most looking forward to New Year's Day... for any since of newness I can get. I know this newness will help me with the daily daze of of my life's journey. One day I will look up and no longer be in that daze or need that daze for my journey.

breaking - reaching

Today I reached out. I called a friend and for the second time talked about this pregnancy & Langstan. I also reached out for support with my group (sharing with them) before meeting and some spiritual support. I am proud of myself but more importantly of knowing that God is still with me & talking to God again. For awhile I could not bring myself to pray or talk to HIM but each day I am saying more. Reality is still something I struggle with knowing I should still be pregnant and anticipating another child's birth. I feel strong enough to see and talk with friends but there is anxiety surrounding work. I have a few more weeks before it will happen but being the teacher with two losses is not how I want to be labeled. Am I cursed? Each time I think I or we are over the hump I am dragged back into the depth of reality and grief. Is this bottom? It is my breaking point clearly! From this point I am reaching for something, hope, faith and new beginning which will lead me to life again.

all over the place - present/future?

Brought my son home today. Never thought I would have a shelf with my children. More like a shelf of photos of them not urns. Is this it for me? I wonder at times then the quiet voice of God whispers it is not over. Yes, it will not be easy or normal for me I see the idea of being on bedrest for 7 or 8 months is not ideal but life without children is that the life I want or can live with? It's only been 3 weeks there are times where I feel like time stands still then I realize time is moving. There are things that need to be done and I push myself to get back in the rhythm of life. My life has a new beat now and I struggle to keep up at times. There are moments when I catch myself laughing or actually living in the moment (not just existing) I am guilty because I have almost forgotten what has happened how can I forget. Or is forgetting the way to survive this ordeal. I always wanted to be a writer but did not want to tell this story. I change from moment to moment - got it together LaTanya, then blubbering mom wannabe, then clueless ambitionless shell, then gotta a plan Mrs. Lambert and somewhere in there is a wife and friend - and this occurs all in a day. I knew children would change my life but this is not the change I had in mind - who does?

IDK

I don't know about anything anymore. As I was thinking about my future and knowing that if/when we decide to have another baby I will have to be on bed rest for the pregnancy. I really am sent into the realm of unknowing, uncertainty and indifference. I am not sure what I want to do with my life beyond being here each day - I am wondering about ambition or goals what are those things? I knew what I wanted before a family and nice quiet life of being a responsible citizen but now I am not sure of some things. Career...dreams... Where are those things? I know I can return to my classroom but what else beyond that - where do I want to be 5 - 10 yrs from now? I have been taking it moment to moment not just day to day. Although, the past few days have been good. I have actually told someone about LJ recently and it was difficult but I knew it was a step I needed to take in addition to this was my good friend and I needed her so she needed to know. Moreover, I can not continue to hide from the reality of what has happened again. Not knowing is not who I am - I always have been aware of who and what I wanted in life and pursued those things but now living in this place of uncertainty is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. There are times when i am ready to go out and resume my life I get this surge of bravery to face it all but there are other times when I just want to stay inside avoid the looks, questions and discomfort of the world. I know I am going to be here but beyond that I am not sure about much else. I know I cannot wait to kick 2012 outta here and welcome in the newness of 2013 but what I am welcoming??? What I do know is that there is God because I would in NO way still be here physically or mentally without HIS presence daily but where I am with HIM I don't know. I know I am loved, I know that life is not over but what life I again I do not know.

Split Personality

Well the last few days I felt more hopeful tan ever since 11/18 when I realized I was losing another baby. But even with that hope I still have not been able to talk about it again. How can I be hopeful for my future, family and sanity while at the same time unable to speak the reality of what has happened? I know its a process no need to hit me with the cliches about time healing all wounds, or it is gonna take time or all other spiritual ones about God has a plan etc. Right now although I know all those things are or will be true at some point but not NOW I am not there to consciously receive them. All I know now is I am hopeful for a family however God sees fit to deliver that promise to me (us). Now we are taking time to heal physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually and get back to who we are individually and as a couple. I know that healing for KJoi was stunted with the news of new pregnancy and a new lease on life for new life. But here we are again...the waves of hope and pain of reality flow throughout the 24 hours of each of my days. Time with my hubby, calls/texts/emails from from friends and knowing a new year is coming help me make it through with sanity each day. Feeling and knowing I am loved helps but a deep desire for our babies still lives and will always live in the same place as this hope (renewed) springs each day. How many times can a person be made over - in discussing a theme for this year all we came up with was loss but I still am searching for a positive to put next to that loss - maybe my blog title says it best lossyetfaithful. I need to me more than the girl who most two babies this year I want to be more for myself, my husband, all those who love and care for me. I still want to be a mother too... Maybe this post should be mutliple personalities not just split.

Hope???

I was more hopeful today than I have ever been since this process started again for me (us) 11/18. I felt renewed despite having a REALLY rough day yesterday. Having to talk about it and even being conscience of what has happened again (at times I forget and feel as if I am dreaming or its 5 months ago and I am not pregnant at all). Being in the moment is hard for me, knowing I have to let myself feel these things is even harder at times, I want to be strong for my husband and family so they do not worry too much about me but I am often reminded of my vulnerability as a human when the tears and wailing overcomes my ability to hold on. Knowing I am loved helps but does not soothe the aching in my heart for my children and the emptiness of my arms. But today I feel as if I can go on and get past this - despite the burning urge to be someone else right now. Can I be hopeless but want to be someone else too? I have hope for my (our) future for 2013 but plan on entering anew. Am I really hopeful being someone new? Am I changing or am I putting on a mask?

????

I never asked why before but now I have this burning inside needing to know why medically and spiritually. My faith was injured the first time but not enough to question but now I am questioning everything. Like what will my life be like until I have a family? Having a family has been my focus for the last two years I have turned down jobs and career opportunities in anticipation of having a baby but now there is no baby and where am I? Where are we - my marriage? Tons of questions and no closer to answers afraid to ask HIM not sure if I want to know HIS answer about my life. Afraid it may be that children are not apart of my life. These thoughts are not good or positive and as my support would tell me God keeps HIS promises and children are apart of HIS promises. There are days where I see myself clearly then there are times that I am not sure who I am which creates more questions of who am I becoming? Knowing that there are others who have gone through this journey helps me feel I am not alone but still does not quiet my questions. Why me? Children when? Healthy place spiritually and for my marriage?? But one question I do know answer too is God is love...

WOW not Again

I never thought I would be back here again. We were nervous but excited that we were pregnant again 2 months after the loss of KJoi. We arrived at the critical point of 22 weeks again and there was a heightened sense of worry. But things were going well until again at 22 weeks there was a complication which quickly lead us back to where we were 6 months ago with KJoi. There I was and it was happening again pre-term labor and losing another baby (Langston Joseph - LJ). We so badly want a family and there is no real answer for why it keeps occurring at 22 weeks with no apparent signs of trouble. Again there was the anger and fear that I will never have a family. I also begin to have fears about my marriage wondering if my husband would be okay with being in a marriage without children. I begin feeling inadequate that I could not give him something so natural as if I was depriving him of a desire - where would that leave us in our marriage? He is worried about me physically and mentally - thinks I may be going cuckoo and I know that is a reality. Losing 2 children in 1 year is too much for 1 person to handle I pray I and we can get through this and still hope for a family. I do know that I have so many people who love and care for me who are helping me through this yet again. They also want me to keep hope for a family. There seem to be many people I know who have suffered with miscarriages but never spoke about it - however for me there is a distinction between a miscarriage and giving birth to two babies, holding them, knowing them and not being able to take them home. Now there are 2 angels that watch over us Kjoi and LJ. I have not told some about our loss yet it was holiday and I just could not speak of it. Friends & family do not want me to be alone but I want to be in my home and not a burden to anyone else during this time - I know that is not how they may feel but it is my feeling. I am gonna go get some help for myself and for us too - just to be sure we are gonna be more than okay individually and as a couple.

Mothering

I realized how much each step of this journey is valuable and necessary for movement. Going to my parents home and seeing my daughter's photos up with the other family photos was heartwarming yet real. Seeing those photos help me realize her process too as a grandmother being proud of the birth of her grandchild. It's helping me to be more open about Kennedy's life and gives me strength to keep moving on this journey. Through her expression I felt this urge to have pictures posted of my baby in my home. I had this excitement about choosing which photos and creating a collage arrangement to be presented in my home. I began to think about dedicating a space for her. She now is in our bedroom close to us always and I do not think I want her anyplace else in my home but I am going to put up her photos to begin celebrating her life and her memory. As my husband and I plan for more children I believe her photos will help me feel as if we are continually honoring her place in our family. Through that honor I can let go of the guilt I have for wanting more children. It was through this strengthened bond between my mother and I that has helped me be a mother to the life and memory of Kennedy Joi. It also makes this loss real there are times I feel like I am a walking zombie going through the motions of my life where this did not happen but her photos bring me to reality. I need that reality to continue on this journey I do not want to be stagnate because I have to be in each moment on this journey to move. So, thanks Mom for being an integral part of my life always, and such a pivotal part of this journey while you are on your journey too - how amazing. The realization of this ephiphany clearly shows how God works - for me to be able to have this perspective about this journey astounds me that it has been so clear and transforming in a way that I still love God even more understanding His love for me.

from another on this journey

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

For All My Compassionate Friends/Family

Your Compassionate Friend I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk, So come take my hand and let's go for a walk. See, I'm not like the others - I won't shy away, Because I want to hear what you've got to say. Your child has died and you need to be heard, But they don't want to hear a single word. They tell you your child's "with God", so be strong. They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong. They're just hurting for you and trying to say, They'd give anything to help take your pain away. But they're struggling with feelings they can't understand So forgive them for not offering a helping hand. I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile. I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile. I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn, I'll just stay and listen 'til your night turns to morn. Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long, And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong. So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare, And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there. See, I owe a debt you can help me repay For not long ago, I was helped the same way. As I stumbled and fell thru a world so unreal, So believe when I say that I know how you feel. I don't look for praise or financial gain And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain. I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end- I'll be your Compassionate Friend. Author: Steven L. Channin

Road to new LIFE

Today I went in and spoke with my MD about what really happened. I am tired of thinking or saying it was fluke - it was a premature rupture of my membrane (water break) in which an infection ensued through the rupture to the placenta, umbilical cord and water bag. This what I heard previously but wanted to ensure there were not other medical concerns that may have lead/cause the rupture but there is nothing that pinpoints to a cause. I needed this MD review so that I was clear that I am healthy and have no problem carrying a baby this experience was not one that could have been prevented by myself or medical intervention. So our next step is a pre-conception plan and back to the fertility specialist. Our plan ironically aligns with what we were doing last year this time we started fertility September 2011 and will be again September 2012. I never thought wanting children would be this intense of a journey in our lives. I knew children would be life-altering but in the best ways and I still believe that. This experience has transformed the eyes I see through but I cannot help but see more babies.

Not yet...

We have not been back to our home church yet. Every Sunday I awake ready to go back home and worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ but then I become overwhelmed with facing people who may not know that we lost our baby girl. It's that anxiety & finality of Kennedy's life/death that keeps me from facing those outside my immediate circle. I know I am strong because I am still here with my right mind (Praise God) but facing others at times is something I am not always ready to face. God knows all because as I was writing this entry my Pastor calls and I hear him praying...wow I am always amazed by the the timing of God it not ours but always right. We will be at our church this coming weekend I have to fight the fleeting feeling of 'I can do this' that is at times seasoned with 'not today'. Not yet does not mean never it means I am on my way/we are on our way. We are there, just have to get our actions to follow that confession/belief.

Apprehensive

I have been doing ok these past few weeks. Thanks to outside drama and 'keepin busy' occupying my time and mind. Monday I go in to see my MD to review my chart and discuss what really happen medically with the premature water break and develop a plan for the next pregnancy(ies). Since I have been doing pretty okay these last few weeks going in for this discussion makes me nervous about taking a plunge backward on this journey. It's a conversation I need and feel like is pivotal for movement through this greiving process. Knowing will help me settle with what occurred and know what I have to face moving forward in adding to my family. As I seek out supports to help through this journey I discover the care I had was more than what other women have had in dealing with similiar situations but it does not stop my need for clarity. I appreciate the nurses in my support group giving my questions/wondering some directon on how to quiet those voices along this process. This is first step to getting some direction back in my life then I may be able to think about career and other life goals.

Interesting...

Took a holiday hiatus but was reaffirmed that God is GREAT in my life. I had a test this week and drama added too. I am a godmother to two beautiful little girls & this week I babysat my youngest goddaughter who is 23 months old. I willingly signed up for this duty because I cannot handle them both at the same time. Many I am sure probably do not understand why I would agree to this because of the loss of my little girl a short time ago. However, it was busy, funny, creative, hot and refreshing having her here in my home. I got a small slice of what moms deal with daily with little ones and it was exhilirating and exhausting. It was a joy and I kinda missed her when she left but it is and interesting part of this journey. Engaging and intereacting with babies and/or children is unavoidable I have godchildren I love, and so many other friends/family with children or babies that are apart of my life. I know that it is only God that allowed me to be present through this test and I love it. My loss is no one's fault so I can appreciate all the babies and children around me because they are blessings. Although, it does make me think of things I will do with my children and could have done with KJ. What I discovered is that silence about a loss makes others comfortable but negates the presence of the loss, which is my baby, so this is my way of never being silent about her and the time I had her here with me. More intersting on this hiatus are those who have risen to the occassion in my life on this journey and surprisingly those who remain silent because of their discomfort. Still remaining is Gods's presence in my life, the consistent discord that the enemey continually conjures and my husband walking this journey with me. Truly I know what marriage is/takes through this draining ordeal we have taken turns to hold one another up when the other just wanted to lay down and give it up.

Middle Ground

It is one of those days today...where I am okay for a few hours and then something triggers thoughts of what could have or should have been. I should still be pregnant awaiting the arrival of my precious little girl. I could be decorating a nursery and preping for a baby shower. God had other plans for me during this time in my life. I hear that statement in my mind but my emotions still are not sure of what to do with that - accepting, angry, or unsettled. How do I accept this new plan, and why me and my baby along with not knowing what to do with all of my faith and what I have been taught bubbling over in me. God is the source of my faith but sometimes this pain and emptiness makes me question my God. Just as I am about to set up a place in wonderland I recall the comfort God gives me each day to wake up and get through the last month or so without her to hold or care for. Which is why today is one of those 'in between' days of moving forward and sitting still. The middle can be okay because at least I am moving. I pray I am moving in the direction of God's plan with a sense of expectation.

Ready or Not?

I feel ready to start again, to have another baby. Yet there are times I feel guilty about that feeling of wanting more. I feel like I should wait for her and her memory but there is another part of me that has a since of urgency about another baby. It's such a complex feeling. That feeling has guilt, desire and a need for accomplishment that we can have a baby a healthy baby. All these thoughts run through my mind and God helps me to control my thoughts much of the time but there is some lingering of the wrong thoughts. Thoughts about whether or not we can have another baby and how grueling the process to getting there may be with fertility. I am praying for a natural preganancy that God has healed and corrected areas for us to get pregnant on our own. But in the back of my mind is the reminder of how tedious and contrived the fertility process can be. Even still we are prepared if necessary for that route because of our desire to have a family. Other times I feel bad about putting my husband through this again because of course as the woman I feel as if it is all on me. I know it is not ALL or even any of my responsibility about what happened with my pregnancy or our baby but it is hard to at times to always see it that way. It is these feelings that creep up when I begin moving in the direction of having another baby. However, the desire ALL the time supercedes those feelings/thoughts. We are certainly going to have another baby but the timing is in question. We are okay with now being that time but I want to be sure we are being fair to the journey needed for our healing.

For all my BRAVE SUPPORTERS

SOMEBODY ... Somebody said it was all for the best, that something was probably wrong. Somebody said, ... it was meant to be. Different verse, same miserable song. Somebody said, “You can have another!” As if that would make it alright. Somebody said, “It was not a real child.” Somebody’s not very bright. Somebody thinks it is helpful To say when grieving should end. Somebody shows their true colors. Somebody isn’t a friend. But somebody said, “I’m sorry.” And sat quietly by my side. And somebody shared my sorrow And held my hand when I cried. And somebody always listened And called my lost baby by name. And somebody understood That I’d never be the same. Author Unknown ♥ Jodes

Brave Support

DISCLAIMER This blog is for ME to vent my feelings along this journey not an indictment of anyone that I love and share this journey with. DISCLAIMER I want to send many ((HUGS)) out to my family, friends and co-workers brave enough to acknowledge this journey. Simply sending your condolences, saying you are sorry for my loss is more than some others can/have muster the courage to say. This journey makes many uncomfortable this I know but I also feel it is selfish if you love me and my husband to make it about you because we are the ones on this journey. Yes, a few of you are close and feel as if you are there with me but you are not. Losing a child is unlike any other loss. However, I do appreciate those who are willing to be with me on this journey and the others who are willing to be uncomfortable out of concern for me and my husband. It is that sacrifice that lets me distinguish between those I want in my life as friends and those who I can do without. This journey is clearly reshaping my life and who should be apart of it. Those who have made time to spend with me either 'keeping me busy', on the phone or sending me messages of support I want in my life more than ever. Yet, those who have excuses for why or what they could not do because they did not know how I am not very flexible about keeping you in my circle. Not knowing how but trying is what I do daily on this journey and that's the least others who 'love' me can do. This journey has implored me to value time because of the 37 days with her and it was the most unforgettable seconds, minutes, hours, days and month in my 35 years here. So I have no time to waste on excuses from people who cannot deal with me and this journey. For everyone else thanks for being BRAVE because you are growing too, it takes alot to face someone you care for in a place you cannot quite reach. But your SUPPORT is invaluable to me so never disregard your text, call, time or messages I receive them all and am loved. DISCLAIMER This blog is for ME to vent my feelings along this journey not an indictment of anyone that I love and share this journey with. DISCLAIMER

Happiness?

In this journey I thank GOD that I have no envy, jealousy and that I still love and want to walk with HIM. Yesterday, was a bit trying but worthwhile. Knowing others close to me are having babies and they immediately have experiences I did not and will not have with KJoi. We never heard her cry which is the one thing I truly wanted for my husband, to hear his daughter. I wanted him to have the jubilation of that sound at her birth. He was happy just to see her here and to count her fingers and toes but I wanted that moment enhanced by her sound. Although, it saddens me thinking of those things, I know these thoughts are apart of my journey. I am so elated for them and their launch into parenthood with healthy babies. I am thankful for some strange reason I feel as if I was prepared for this moment in my faith. I am not bothered being around babies, children and even pregnant women (at times). My experience is not their issue or fault it often takes me to a place of longing not envy or jealousy. There is no love in those places and I am person of love because God is love. I can talk about babies and children as long as people know I will talk about my baby too. It felt so good recently at a family function when my sister-in-law said "let me see pictures of Kennedy" (I truly felt like a mother) and it allowed me to relish in showing her pictures just like any other new mother. She is my baby despite her not physically being here. Please know I have happiness but there are moments along my journey where it is not always on my face or spilling through and even that is okay. God is on this journey with me, I continually seek his guidance as I walk into my life anew and I plan on being happy through this journey too.

Keeping Busy

Busy is good which what many of my supporters know they can do so they do that. Keeping me busy is not the answer but it does get me back into the cycle of life and living through this loss. It's great to be on the go because I have always been an on the go person. However, occupying time does not occupy that space that I desire for her in my arms, my life and future. By no means do I want all my friends and family to not call, invite and be my company but just know that it does not end my journey. I have to go through this journey and at times I may be going in circles but I will not stay in the same place always. Filling my time is an essential part of this journey and reinventing my new self. I so appreciate all the talks, events, and hang out sessions. On this journey I often think of how my time was suppose to be filled, with loving and caring for Kennedy. Thanks for helping with my time but acknowledge that this journey will take time also.

How Long???

Do you know how hard it is for me to hold my tears inside? I lost someone special and it is hard for me each and every day. I may look strong but did you know I am fighting daily to be this way. So please have patience with me...I will never be the same person I once was. But I am trying to be the best who I am, right now. I borrowed this saying from a support site - but I often wonder about time on this journey. What agitates the most are those who feel and even say 'move on', to what, I think in that moment. Or those who say and are thinking 'you should be over this', 'when will you be over this' and I think what do you know about this ? Yes, I want to have another baby and am actively trying but that does not mean I am 'over it'. I am still daily on this journey dealing with my loss and dreams I had for Kennedy Joi and how my life was to be. My life is forever changed because of her though not in the way I ever imagined. Reinvisioning my life seems to be my new task each day that I am not pregnant or the mother of a living child. This task is one that is fresh for me with each new day God grants. I know HE is there because I have the mind to want to move each day further than the day before.

FaithFull

Today was a good day on this journey through loss. God continually speaks to me to go on and know that HE has a plan for my life. I am still seeking what now for my career and the next steps of my life. Yet I am confident though that God's plans for me are to prosper me which in my spirit means children. God has blessed me with great supports and even the presence enough to ask for help when this journey gets rocky. Not a day goes by without someone in my life reaching out to me or for me through prayer and God reassures me of that minute by minute. This is the way I express, lots of time through words, writing and reading. I may not confide always with spoken words it's the written words (typed) that help me release most about this journey. It is ironic that HIS word is what sustains us on our walk with HIM and now my words comfort me on this part of my journey. So, today I am full of faith, hope and expectation which is a first for me since this journey began.

Dreaming

There are days when I think it never happened. I was dreaming about having loss my baby. Sometimes I think its a year ago and we are just now going through our fertility still hoping to get pregnant. That dream seems so real at times...I truly feel that anxiety about IUI process amd getting pregnant. Then it smacks me hard that I was pregnant even for only 6 months and Kennedy Joi was here and now she is gone. After this dream like state I wonder which is better - not ever having this experience of loss or experiencing my Angel Baby Kennedy Joi? I still am not sure of an answer most times it depends what day I am having on this journey. It is shocking how real the dream feels and how much I want the dream to be real at times. I wonder about if I was able to start this all over, what difference (if any) would it make for me on this journey - would this even be my journey? Then I realize would I have had my Kennedy Joi or more time with her? It's these questions that sprinkle my walk on this journey from time to time. I hope they (questions) go away but then that initial feeling of the dream where there is no sorrow no loss that I long for not this pain and emptiness I have. It is this place where I know only God can reach (I hope).

1 month

Well, I have been seeking an outlet for the mixture of feelings I have since my loss. Here I go...I feel guilty, angry, empty and lost. I feel as if losing my daughter is somehow my fault either while she was inside my womb (did I do something wrong?) or not being a better advocate for her once she was here with her medical care. I am angry that it happen to her, my husband and I when we were "good" people. We got married, nurtured the marriage and then planned our family - so why didn't it work? Her not being here leaves a space that I had gotten accustomed to when she was here with us from April 14 - May 21. I miss caring for her and holding her in my arms there is a gaping space there. Now, I do not know what to do with myself and my life. I was prepared and had planned on being a mother at this time NOW. I have the summer off for the first time ever in my teaching career and do not know what to do with this time and really unmotivated to find something to do with this time. Many know me as a 'planner' always seeking what to do with my time with no desire to be idle but NOW there are no plans and nothing in sight. My plan was to nurture her this summer. Yes, I love GOD and know HIS plans are not always ours and that HE puts no more on us then we can bear BUT BUT BUT those words do not sound the same in my ears after this experience with Kennedy Joi.

KJoi's Story

My water broke week 22 of my preganacny. A pregnancy that we had been working at for the past year and half and finally through fertitility the use of 3 IUI sessions Kennedy Joi was conceived November 2011. I had a great pregnancy no morning sickness adjusting really well but nervous up through the 1st trimester so was not very open until we got past that 12 week mark. Being pretty healthy before pregnancy and not having any real problems water breaking at 22 weeks was alarming for my husband and I. We assummed with all the medical advancements that it would be something that could be fixed but after being in hospital for 2 days and having numerous ultrasounds we knew we were in for something more. I was sent home for immediate bed rest in hopes and plan that I could make it to 24 weeks. We had been approached about ending the pregnancy because at 22 weeks if there was pre-term labor there will be no interventions made for the baby because she would be too young. We never wavered we wanted this life, prayed for this life and for us only God decides about life. So we went home with much hope and faith that we would make through the next milestones of the pregnancy because I showed no signs of infection or pre-term labor. I checked back in at hospital at 24 weeks planning to stay for the duration of my pregnancy and that night begin feeling uncomfortable and could not rest. I was in onset of labor which could not be stopped because of fear of infection so I delievered Kennedy Joi on April 14, 2012 and she was immediately taken to the NICU. She was born 1lb and 3 oz. My life became being a fixture at NICU putting in 6 hour shifts only leaving if nurses or family coaxed me into going home to sleep and eat. Thank God we lived only 10 minutes from hospital. The next week learning about all the machines she needed and the issues with her lungs really begin the roller coaster of the NICU. I was there to help care for her daily (diaper changes, baths and kangaroo care). I was able to hold her on Mother's Day. She was born 1lb and 3 oz. She was a very active micro-preemie she moved alot, opened her eyes and had lots of personality. The nurses often told stories of her moving their hands when she did not want to be touched. We were faced with decisions regarding steroids but day 30 she begin having kidney issues. She was given meds and it helped her urine production but as they tried to wean her from those meds her kidneys began going into failure again. Lots of her issues with her organs were due to her underdeveloped lungs ability to move oxygen through her body. I knew so much about her and her care because I sat in on MD rounds every morning. I kept a journal. I read verses from Psalms to her daily and sang hymms to her in an effort to comfort and let her know I was there. The last week with her I was so hopeful that things would turn around for her kidneys because then we could get her the steroids for her lungs. That week her primary nurses made sure I held as much as I wanted and she had many visitors(great-grandmothers, grandparents, uncles, great-aunts, and godmother). When we got the call to come in and meet with the MDs my husband tried his best to prepare me for the decision we had to make - her organs were beginning to fail due to the kidney failure. So, medically they could maintain her but she would not improve but deteriorate so as parents we had to decide. We were parents even before her birth when we choose to continue with the pregnancy after my water broke at 22 weeks. As her parents we did not want her to suffer anymore and considered her quality of life and choose to stop the machines. We then took our time with her that day May 21, 2012 I held her for hours before we disconnected machines. After she was removed from machines we held her and had photos taken with her. We decided to have her cremeated because I wanted her with me always and a private memorial for her. My husband wanted a private memorial because his concern for me and the need for him to move on. Through this journey I have always maintained my love for God without blame. However, I could not get beyond questions and the emptiness I felt. I felt as if I did all the right things - got married, nurtured the marriage and after 5 years we worked on a family and were faced with fertility concerns. I felt drained from the up & down of fertility and felt finally we had arrived at the prize of a baby. Moreover, I never thought of this as an option especially after getting past the 1st trimester. I did not know anyone who had lost a child - I knew those who experienced miscarriage but not giving birth, bonding and then losing that baby. My daughter had a personality she knew her dad and I and now she is not here. It has been a month and half without her physically but not a day goes by that I do not think of KJoi. I want another baby and my husband and I want to try again. That desire comes with a mixture of emotions wanting to be true to KJoi and her memory. I know now that I will never be the same and my view of life has been forever changed. Blogging has helped me share the complexity of what I feel daily with others on this journey back to myself. It has not been easy for me to share with others I always say, 'I'm good' or "I'm ok". Sometimes it is hard to articulate what this loss feels like. I am often agitated by those who ignore my loss, or compare it to another type of loss or are afraid to speak of my daughter's life. I know its uncomfortable for others but I do not care because what I am experienceing is more than a little discomfort.