Loss & Birth

I am a mess of emotions today. Not just because it's the day I was born (only some short time ago because I am so young) but it is also the day of my baby shower. This is a day I was not sure I would ever experience or be sane/brave enough to endure/enjoy. I struggled throughout this pregnancy about whether or not I should have a baby shower. This is the third attempt to plan one having experienced the loss of two babies. It seemed each time I got to a place of excitement and the planning of a shower I would encounter the unimaginable loss of my baby. So, there was much anxiety and fear wrapped in this idea of planning again. But God! I kept telling myself once I made this milestone in my pregnancy I would consider the planning. Pregnancy and hoping after losses is holding your breathe in between every doctor's appointment and exhaling as you leave the office only to start holding it again until the next appointment. With each exhale you feel relief but it only for short time and you are again restricted or limited in truly experiencing the innocence of pregnancy. During those exhale moments my team was able to get me to agree to a shower and participate (minimally) in the planning. I/we have made it to the day of this celebration of life so befitting it is on the day my life began (my birthday). The reality of this event has me in deep thought and feeling. Grateful for everyone who knowingly and unknowingly have been on this part of the tour of my life's journey to being a mother. Yet, in awe of how I got here - but would not want to be any other place. The amazement of how God orchestrated and designed my life to line up with people and experiences these past four years while riding the roller coaster of grief, loss, bereavement, despair, faith, hope and longing proves he has been directing this life I call my own the entire time.. I loved and believed in God because I knew that I should - I have always been a 'should' kind of person. Not knowing what to do next when I hit insurmountable twists and turns these past four years forced me to REALLY practice this 'should' faith and belief in God. The experiences of loss have moved me from a 'should' to an 'am' person. I am a lover and believer of God. HE has made my life a true manifestation of Isaiah 55:8-9 'His ways and plans are not our ways they are higher'. With HIS words I know today will be a great time of joy, love and celebration honoring his blessing of a child as HE continues to comfort me throughout this day.

More than a NEW year

It has been over a year since my last blog. Loss, fertility but more importantly living. I am living life the time I have been away not just a woman pursuing her fertility and maintaining her marriage but living. I did VEGAS girl style, Mexico with the Mister and the land of dreams Hollywood. Along with becoming a veteran teacher of 15 years in the game and still by some slim chance loving it here and there. Not just a veteran teacher but one born, bred and building in the trenches of a neighborhood city school where I see and help cultivate the roses among the concrete. Throughout all this life and living we got pregnant through IVF (which is a whole other life adjustment). Initially well throughout I have been quite hush, hush about this MIRACLE. Presently being 8 months with a 'normal'pregnancy I have allowed this journey or moment to go by without much fan fare. I told those who I took along on my roller coaster of loss and fertility initially and others knew from my growing belly. Many were afraid to ask because they remembered my losses and did not know how to ask or if I would invite them into this new part of the journey. That delicate space of 'don't ask don't tell' had it's own ebb and flow. At times I ignored the waves of others feelings about 'wanting' or 'expecting' to know and then there were times where the waves submerged me and I got swallowed into others emotions. However, I managed to put my feelings in the forefront and let the others weather the waves on their own - because after all at the end I have to be well for myself, my baby and my marriage not THEM. Yet, there were select others who were my watchful, patient, cheering section who perfectly balanced 'how', 'when' and 'just right' times to talk, LISTEN and sit with me throughout this new path of being pregnant at this time in this moment which is not the moments before it is different because it is now. Now, where I know I can endure, triumph and live again. This now life, different from before because I am different than before. So, for the last month of this new life inside of me I will tell about this difference coming back to blogging for such a time as this.