Hope???

I was more hopeful today than I have ever been since this process started again for me (us) 11/18. I felt renewed despite having a REALLY rough day yesterday. Having to talk about it and even being conscience of what has happened again (at times I forget and feel as if I am dreaming or its 5 months ago and I am not pregnant at all). Being in the moment is hard for me, knowing I have to let myself feel these things is even harder at times, I want to be strong for my husband and family so they do not worry too much about me but I am often reminded of my vulnerability as a human when the tears and wailing overcomes my ability to hold on. Knowing I am loved helps but does not soothe the aching in my heart for my children and the emptiness of my arms. But today I feel as if I can go on and get past this - despite the burning urge to be someone else right now. Can I be hopeless but want to be someone else too? I have hope for my (our) future for 2013 but plan on entering anew. Am I really hopeful being someone new? Am I changing or am I putting on a mask?

????

I never asked why before but now I have this burning inside needing to know why medically and spiritually. My faith was injured the first time but not enough to question but now I am questioning everything. Like what will my life be like until I have a family? Having a family has been my focus for the last two years I have turned down jobs and career opportunities in anticipation of having a baby but now there is no baby and where am I? Where are we - my marriage? Tons of questions and no closer to answers afraid to ask HIM not sure if I want to know HIS answer about my life. Afraid it may be that children are not apart of my life. These thoughts are not good or positive and as my support would tell me God keeps HIS promises and children are apart of HIS promises. There are days where I see myself clearly then there are times that I am not sure who I am which creates more questions of who am I becoming? Knowing that there are others who have gone through this journey helps me feel I am not alone but still does not quiet my questions. Why me? Children when? Healthy place spiritually and for my marriage?? But one question I do know answer too is God is love...

WOW not Again

I never thought I would be back here again. We were nervous but excited that we were pregnant again 2 months after the loss of KJoi. We arrived at the critical point of 22 weeks again and there was a heightened sense of worry. But things were going well until again at 22 weeks there was a complication which quickly lead us back to where we were 6 months ago with KJoi. There I was and it was happening again pre-term labor and losing another baby (Langston Joseph - LJ). We so badly want a family and there is no real answer for why it keeps occurring at 22 weeks with no apparent signs of trouble. Again there was the anger and fear that I will never have a family. I also begin to have fears about my marriage wondering if my husband would be okay with being in a marriage without children. I begin feeling inadequate that I could not give him something so natural as if I was depriving him of a desire - where would that leave us in our marriage? He is worried about me physically and mentally - thinks I may be going cuckoo and I know that is a reality. Losing 2 children in 1 year is too much for 1 person to handle I pray I and we can get through this and still hope for a family. I do know that I have so many people who love and care for me who are helping me through this yet again. They also want me to keep hope for a family. There seem to be many people I know who have suffered with miscarriages but never spoke about it - however for me there is a distinction between a miscarriage and giving birth to two babies, holding them, knowing them and not being able to take them home. Now there are 2 angels that watch over us Kjoi and LJ. I have not told some about our loss yet it was holiday and I just could not speak of it. Friends & family do not want me to be alone but I want to be in my home and not a burden to anyone else during this time - I know that is not how they may feel but it is my feeling. I am gonna go get some help for myself and for us too - just to be sure we are gonna be more than okay individually and as a couple.