Unspeakable

Well, there are no words or language that can...it is unspeakable.This feeling, emotion and desire birthed from love, arms wrapped around, words spoken and unspoken yet breathing in the same air of anxiety, memory, heaviness and inexplicable relief with joy that has emerged through this leg of life's journey of life from birth, to loss and rebirth. There are waves of emotions and I am consumed at times by these feelings and the weight of the goodness that has and is bestowed upon me, my marriage and our children. I have this unyielding pull that yearns to demonstrate my gratitude and gratefulness continually and aloud. I want and need my village to know and feel their connection to my survival and the groundwork for my thriving on this journey. To know without those words, deep silences, sitting and breathing in discomfort, wearing and warring in the heaviness along with life speaking, rejoicing, eating (lot of), immeasurable amounts of laughter, planning and adjusting to new ways of being all help me reflect and rebuild who I am, will be and am becoming moment by moment. This part of my life journey was one I did not want to own yet I now know without it I would not know this me or many of my villagers. I truly know HIM in relationship and not religion. That knowledge has been at the heart of maintaining the heart of my marriage not sure how to weather this storm not knowing if there would ever be relief despite that uncertainty (which is always there in stormy spells) there was love and more love for one another and for our commitment to one another. The storm seem to refresh our bond. The depth of pain is isolating but the presence of other people who just wanted to be there -not fix - but sit there waiting (they knew before I knew) when and that I would come out of the depths of my pain. Some of those people were old friends but many were new friends cultivated around the same pain now used to help support through Caring Connections (Heartstrings) group. As for my tried and true, friends and family this was a journey for them too and I have to acknowledge that they were changed as well seeing, feeling and opening themselves to this experience with me, never to be minimized or set aside they have been changed and their willingness to go along with me has been the greatest measure of friendship and relationship I will ever know. Here is one of my many attempts to put in to words that unspeakable feeling of gratefulness I have for my village.