Middle Ground

It is one of those days today...where I am okay for a few hours and then something triggers thoughts of what could have or should have been. I should still be pregnant awaiting the arrival of my precious little girl. I could be decorating a nursery and preping for a baby shower. God had other plans for me during this time in my life. I hear that statement in my mind but my emotions still are not sure of what to do with that - accepting, angry, or unsettled. How do I accept this new plan, and why me and my baby along with not knowing what to do with all of my faith and what I have been taught bubbling over in me. God is the source of my faith but sometimes this pain and emptiness makes me question my God. Just as I am about to set up a place in wonderland I recall the comfort God gives me each day to wake up and get through the last month or so without her to hold or care for. Which is why today is one of those 'in between' days of moving forward and sitting still. The middle can be okay because at least I am moving. I pray I am moving in the direction of God's plan with a sense of expectation.

Ready or Not?

I feel ready to start again, to have another baby. Yet there are times I feel guilty about that feeling of wanting more. I feel like I should wait for her and her memory but there is another part of me that has a since of urgency about another baby. It's such a complex feeling. That feeling has guilt, desire and a need for accomplishment that we can have a baby a healthy baby. All these thoughts run through my mind and God helps me to control my thoughts much of the time but there is some lingering of the wrong thoughts. Thoughts about whether or not we can have another baby and how grueling the process to getting there may be with fertility. I am praying for a natural preganancy that God has healed and corrected areas for us to get pregnant on our own. But in the back of my mind is the reminder of how tedious and contrived the fertility process can be. Even still we are prepared if necessary for that route because of our desire to have a family. Other times I feel bad about putting my husband through this again because of course as the woman I feel as if it is all on me. I know it is not ALL or even any of my responsibility about what happened with my pregnancy or our baby but it is hard to at times to always see it that way. It is these feelings that creep up when I begin moving in the direction of having another baby. However, the desire ALL the time supercedes those feelings/thoughts. We are certainly going to have another baby but the timing is in question. We are okay with now being that time but I want to be sure we are being fair to the journey needed for our healing.

For all my BRAVE SUPPORTERS

SOMEBODY ... Somebody said it was all for the best, that something was probably wrong. Somebody said, ... it was meant to be. Different verse, same miserable song. Somebody said, “You can have another!” As if that would make it alright. Somebody said, “It was not a real child.” Somebody’s not very bright. Somebody thinks it is helpful To say when grieving should end. Somebody shows their true colors. Somebody isn’t a friend. But somebody said, “I’m sorry.” And sat quietly by my side. And somebody shared my sorrow And held my hand when I cried. And somebody always listened And called my lost baby by name. And somebody understood That I’d never be the same. Author Unknown ♥ Jodes

Brave Support

DISCLAIMER This blog is for ME to vent my feelings along this journey not an indictment of anyone that I love and share this journey with. DISCLAIMER I want to send many ((HUGS)) out to my family, friends and co-workers brave enough to acknowledge this journey. Simply sending your condolences, saying you are sorry for my loss is more than some others can/have muster the courage to say. This journey makes many uncomfortable this I know but I also feel it is selfish if you love me and my husband to make it about you because we are the ones on this journey. Yes, a few of you are close and feel as if you are there with me but you are not. Losing a child is unlike any other loss. However, I do appreciate those who are willing to be with me on this journey and the others who are willing to be uncomfortable out of concern for me and my husband. It is that sacrifice that lets me distinguish between those I want in my life as friends and those who I can do without. This journey is clearly reshaping my life and who should be apart of it. Those who have made time to spend with me either 'keeping me busy', on the phone or sending me messages of support I want in my life more than ever. Yet, those who have excuses for why or what they could not do because they did not know how I am not very flexible about keeping you in my circle. Not knowing how but trying is what I do daily on this journey and that's the least others who 'love' me can do. This journey has implored me to value time because of the 37 days with her and it was the most unforgettable seconds, minutes, hours, days and month in my 35 years here. So I have no time to waste on excuses from people who cannot deal with me and this journey. For everyone else thanks for being BRAVE because you are growing too, it takes alot to face someone you care for in a place you cannot quite reach. But your SUPPORT is invaluable to me so never disregard your text, call, time or messages I receive them all and am loved. DISCLAIMER This blog is for ME to vent my feelings along this journey not an indictment of anyone that I love and share this journey with. DISCLAIMER

Happiness?

In this journey I thank GOD that I have no envy, jealousy and that I still love and want to walk with HIM. Yesterday, was a bit trying but worthwhile. Knowing others close to me are having babies and they immediately have experiences I did not and will not have with KJoi. We never heard her cry which is the one thing I truly wanted for my husband, to hear his daughter. I wanted him to have the jubilation of that sound at her birth. He was happy just to see her here and to count her fingers and toes but I wanted that moment enhanced by her sound. Although, it saddens me thinking of those things, I know these thoughts are apart of my journey. I am so elated for them and their launch into parenthood with healthy babies. I am thankful for some strange reason I feel as if I was prepared for this moment in my faith. I am not bothered being around babies, children and even pregnant women (at times). My experience is not their issue or fault it often takes me to a place of longing not envy or jealousy. There is no love in those places and I am person of love because God is love. I can talk about babies and children as long as people know I will talk about my baby too. It felt so good recently at a family function when my sister-in-law said "let me see pictures of Kennedy" (I truly felt like a mother) and it allowed me to relish in showing her pictures just like any other new mother. She is my baby despite her not physically being here. Please know I have happiness but there are moments along my journey where it is not always on my face or spilling through and even that is okay. God is on this journey with me, I continually seek his guidance as I walk into my life anew and I plan on being happy through this journey too.

Keeping Busy

Busy is good which what many of my supporters know they can do so they do that. Keeping me busy is not the answer but it does get me back into the cycle of life and living through this loss. It's great to be on the go because I have always been an on the go person. However, occupying time does not occupy that space that I desire for her in my arms, my life and future. By no means do I want all my friends and family to not call, invite and be my company but just know that it does not end my journey. I have to go through this journey and at times I may be going in circles but I will not stay in the same place always. Filling my time is an essential part of this journey and reinventing my new self. I so appreciate all the talks, events, and hang out sessions. On this journey I often think of how my time was suppose to be filled, with loving and caring for Kennedy. Thanks for helping with my time but acknowledge that this journey will take time also.

How Long???

Do you know how hard it is for me to hold my tears inside? I lost someone special and it is hard for me each and every day. I may look strong but did you know I am fighting daily to be this way. So please have patience with me...I will never be the same person I once was. But I am trying to be the best who I am, right now. I borrowed this saying from a support site - but I often wonder about time on this journey. What agitates the most are those who feel and even say 'move on', to what, I think in that moment. Or those who say and are thinking 'you should be over this', 'when will you be over this' and I think what do you know about this ? Yes, I want to have another baby and am actively trying but that does not mean I am 'over it'. I am still daily on this journey dealing with my loss and dreams I had for Kennedy Joi and how my life was to be. My life is forever changed because of her though not in the way I ever imagined. Reinvisioning my life seems to be my new task each day that I am not pregnant or the mother of a living child. This task is one that is fresh for me with each new day God grants. I know HE is there because I have the mind to want to move each day further than the day before.

FaithFull

Today was a good day on this journey through loss. God continually speaks to me to go on and know that HE has a plan for my life. I am still seeking what now for my career and the next steps of my life. Yet I am confident though that God's plans for me are to prosper me which in my spirit means children. God has blessed me with great supports and even the presence enough to ask for help when this journey gets rocky. Not a day goes by without someone in my life reaching out to me or for me through prayer and God reassures me of that minute by minute. This is the way I express, lots of time through words, writing and reading. I may not confide always with spoken words it's the written words (typed) that help me release most about this journey. It is ironic that HIS word is what sustains us on our walk with HIM and now my words comfort me on this part of my journey. So, today I am full of faith, hope and expectation which is a first for me since this journey began.

Dreaming

There are days when I think it never happened. I was dreaming about having loss my baby. Sometimes I think its a year ago and we are just now going through our fertility still hoping to get pregnant. That dream seems so real at times...I truly feel that anxiety about IUI process amd getting pregnant. Then it smacks me hard that I was pregnant even for only 6 months and Kennedy Joi was here and now she is gone. After this dream like state I wonder which is better - not ever having this experience of loss or experiencing my Angel Baby Kennedy Joi? I still am not sure of an answer most times it depends what day I am having on this journey. It is shocking how real the dream feels and how much I want the dream to be real at times. I wonder about if I was able to start this all over, what difference (if any) would it make for me on this journey - would this even be my journey? Then I realize would I have had my Kennedy Joi or more time with her? It's these questions that sprinkle my walk on this journey from time to time. I hope they (questions) go away but then that initial feeling of the dream where there is no sorrow no loss that I long for not this pain and emptiness I have. It is this place where I know only God can reach (I hope).

1 month

Well, I have been seeking an outlet for the mixture of feelings I have since my loss. Here I go...I feel guilty, angry, empty and lost. I feel as if losing my daughter is somehow my fault either while she was inside my womb (did I do something wrong?) or not being a better advocate for her once she was here with her medical care. I am angry that it happen to her, my husband and I when we were "good" people. We got married, nurtured the marriage and then planned our family - so why didn't it work? Her not being here leaves a space that I had gotten accustomed to when she was here with us from April 14 - May 21. I miss caring for her and holding her in my arms there is a gaping space there. Now, I do not know what to do with myself and my life. I was prepared and had planned on being a mother at this time NOW. I have the summer off for the first time ever in my teaching career and do not know what to do with this time and really unmotivated to find something to do with this time. Many know me as a 'planner' always seeking what to do with my time with no desire to be idle but NOW there are no plans and nothing in sight. My plan was to nurture her this summer. Yes, I love GOD and know HIS plans are not always ours and that HE puts no more on us then we can bear BUT BUT BUT those words do not sound the same in my ears after this experience with Kennedy Joi.

KJoi's Story

My water broke week 22 of my preganacny. A pregnancy that we had been working at for the past year and half and finally through fertitility the use of 3 IUI sessions Kennedy Joi was conceived November 2011. I had a great pregnancy no morning sickness adjusting really well but nervous up through the 1st trimester so was not very open until we got past that 12 week mark. Being pretty healthy before pregnancy and not having any real problems water breaking at 22 weeks was alarming for my husband and I. We assummed with all the medical advancements that it would be something that could be fixed but after being in hospital for 2 days and having numerous ultrasounds we knew we were in for something more. I was sent home for immediate bed rest in hopes and plan that I could make it to 24 weeks. We had been approached about ending the pregnancy because at 22 weeks if there was pre-term labor there will be no interventions made for the baby because she would be too young. We never wavered we wanted this life, prayed for this life and for us only God decides about life. So we went home with much hope and faith that we would make through the next milestones of the pregnancy because I showed no signs of infection or pre-term labor. I checked back in at hospital at 24 weeks planning to stay for the duration of my pregnancy and that night begin feeling uncomfortable and could not rest. I was in onset of labor which could not be stopped because of fear of infection so I delievered Kennedy Joi on April 14, 2012 and she was immediately taken to the NICU. She was born 1lb and 3 oz. My life became being a fixture at NICU putting in 6 hour shifts only leaving if nurses or family coaxed me into going home to sleep and eat. Thank God we lived only 10 minutes from hospital. The next week learning about all the machines she needed and the issues with her lungs really begin the roller coaster of the NICU. I was there to help care for her daily (diaper changes, baths and kangaroo care). I was able to hold her on Mother's Day. She was born 1lb and 3 oz. She was a very active micro-preemie she moved alot, opened her eyes and had lots of personality. The nurses often told stories of her moving their hands when she did not want to be touched. We were faced with decisions regarding steroids but day 30 she begin having kidney issues. She was given meds and it helped her urine production but as they tried to wean her from those meds her kidneys began going into failure again. Lots of her issues with her organs were due to her underdeveloped lungs ability to move oxygen through her body. I knew so much about her and her care because I sat in on MD rounds every morning. I kept a journal. I read verses from Psalms to her daily and sang hymms to her in an effort to comfort and let her know I was there. The last week with her I was so hopeful that things would turn around for her kidneys because then we could get her the steroids for her lungs. That week her primary nurses made sure I held as much as I wanted and she had many visitors(great-grandmothers, grandparents, uncles, great-aunts, and godmother). When we got the call to come in and meet with the MDs my husband tried his best to prepare me for the decision we had to make - her organs were beginning to fail due to the kidney failure. So, medically they could maintain her but she would not improve but deteriorate so as parents we had to decide. We were parents even before her birth when we choose to continue with the pregnancy after my water broke at 22 weeks. As her parents we did not want her to suffer anymore and considered her quality of life and choose to stop the machines. We then took our time with her that day May 21, 2012 I held her for hours before we disconnected machines. After she was removed from machines we held her and had photos taken with her. We decided to have her cremeated because I wanted her with me always and a private memorial for her. My husband wanted a private memorial because his concern for me and the need for him to move on. Through this journey I have always maintained my love for God without blame. However, I could not get beyond questions and the emptiness I felt. I felt as if I did all the right things - got married, nurtured the marriage and after 5 years we worked on a family and were faced with fertility concerns. I felt drained from the up & down of fertility and felt finally we had arrived at the prize of a baby. Moreover, I never thought of this as an option especially after getting past the 1st trimester. I did not know anyone who had lost a child - I knew those who experienced miscarriage but not giving birth, bonding and then losing that baby. My daughter had a personality she knew her dad and I and now she is not here. It has been a month and half without her physically but not a day goes by that I do not think of KJoi. I want another baby and my husband and I want to try again. That desire comes with a mixture of emotions wanting to be true to KJoi and her memory. I know now that I will never be the same and my view of life has been forever changed. Blogging has helped me share the complexity of what I feel daily with others on this journey back to myself. It has not been easy for me to share with others I always say, 'I'm good' or "I'm ok". Sometimes it is hard to articulate what this loss feels like. I am often agitated by those who ignore my loss, or compare it to another type of loss or are afraid to speak of my daughter's life. I know its uncomfortable for others but I do not care because what I am experienceing is more than a little discomfort.