lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster

lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster: Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again b...

Roller Coaster

Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again booted in the lake of sadness, disappointment and can't take it anymore. Mentally I know we (and I) can keep going on this (our)journey to living babies especially after having a TAC placed June 2013. We took a year to emotionally and psychologically get ourselves together after two losses in 2012. But each month that we are TTC and are not pregnant I feel kicked in the stomach again while rowing back the land of HOPE which makes it much harder to stay the course. I am a believer and know God is here in this boat with us and at times HE is doing most of the rowing with FAITH back to the land of HOPE. Yet, that does not stop the emotional waves I feel of being a failure and that it should not be this hard and why/what is wrong with me or us that we have this struggle? Tears flow, flowing, running and at times I cannot bear to share this with others b/c I feel as if they won't get it and I will just be whining. I have to get it out so here is the flow from my heart about my desire to be a mother. My fear is having to do something more invasive than IUI such as IVF. I know life is a marathon but I feel as if my husband and I are in a triathlon with a series of events in which we have endured already. This experience requires God because only HE has gotten us through it with an intact marriage and with our own independent sense of sanity to still be present today. So, now it is God I cry out to help soothe this doubt and pain despite the anxiety, fear or fact it may occur again next month until HIS appointed time.

Birth - day

I have officially joined the mature crowd this birthday - it's the first time my birthday caused me to reflect on my life. Do or have I acquired all I set out to do at this age?? Well, I have learned a lifetime of lessons in just the past 2 years. I learned the most integral things like who my real friends are, that parenting never ends as a child of parents who are each day becoming more my friends, that I married the right person and that love encompasses, heals, motivates and most of all the living of life. I begin the week of my birthday with this melancholy muddling mood (I can never let go of English teacher check that alliteration out) of look where you are this is not where you thought you would be BUT my week ended with reminders of who I am and what I mean to others. Consciously being aware of who I am in respect to others helped me snap back to gratitude and taken measure of the woman I am because of all I have acquired despite my losses I am more than that...I am a tenacious teacher (aspiring to greatness) which my students showed through cupcakes, hugs and plenty of "happy birthdays", I am a fantastic friend (I pray) so many of them wished me love, celebrated with me with food, spirits and their words, I am darling daughter, sensational sister, considerate cousin, nifty niece, glamorous granddaughter, whirlwind wife these are all the things that make up who I am as a woman…not just my losses. In my reflection of this Anniversary of my Birth I realized how fortunate I am because of all those people on the other end of my relationships where I can be all those great adjectives of darling, sensational and wonderful now knowing more than even that I am not that way always and giving myself permission to feel all the things I feel even when I feel low, empty and a deep longing but making sure I never stay there but recall my times in Las Vegas, Maui, the DR or even this past Christmas South Africa. I have been afforded some great people and places in the last 37 years...but I am more excited to realize more and more each day that this ride of life is just beginning...I deep expectation for HIS good work to be done and bring me to an expected end.