10 years Thoughtful Time Together

Well, I spend a lot of time writing about my grief process from my angel babies, my faith relationship with God and my joys of being a new mom. Never mistake I could not do this without a partner who supports, encourages and gives me space to be the layered woman I am. This post is for him.... my husband. This August marked our 10 year anniversary and it has been a complex, grand, exhausting, tested and true experience. In relationships we often take one another for granted unconsciously with our busy lives, schedules and obligations. However, he has always motivated me, valued, me as person and woman but mostly respected my feelings along with my independence. I am more than a handful at all times. He has been patient, thoughtful and wise with me and our family. More importantly, never has he allowed me to to give in to fear, stress or the belief that 'we can't' in any situation. Now he is truly the epitome of an action speaks louder than words kind of man.He may not say much but I somehow always feel his presence confirming we are partners in this together. Even times when I felt like a failure and I was failing him he continued to establish his love for me and our relationship. For his presence and his partnership these first 10 years have truly fortified us for the next decades to come. I now know God's love toward me through the mate he directed me to chose. He truly compliments me in ways that maintain our love. More than the love it keeps us 'liking' each other always talking and enjoying each other's company and that is what I know will continue the flame and the fun of being married to him. So, to you Mr. Lambert I say I enjoy you, us, our family and this life we are building while flying...you feel me (his joke)!

Savoring Not Spoiling

It has been 7 months of new life in our family. I often hear as a new mom DON'T you will spoil him. Oh well, I did all the don'ts and have coined a new term 'savoring'. I am savoring every moment that he is this size, huggable, willingly allowing me to snuggle him, reaching out for me, rocking and shaking him until he rests sweetly against my chest. Each day or week he is a new size, doing a new thing, recognizing he can do this and of course putting it in his mouth. So what, he is not milk or food he will not spoil but if I do not savor these moments I will spoil my time as his mommy when he was oh so small and needy. There will come a time when he will not be small (have you seen my husband!) and will be independent so let me savor him and this time. Yea, he may cry a little longer when I put him down or want to sleep with me at times and be a little shy with strangers but he is my baby and only for a short time in contrast of how much time he is spending growing out of being my baby boy. Each day he seems bigger or new to me so I am savoring him. When you see me hold him a little longer before putting him to sleep or spend much of my day snuggling him. Recently, returning to work adds perspective to how much time we are apart, especially after spending the first 7 months of his life with him full time. I realize I only get a few hours in the morning and evening so again allow me to savor him and don't spoil it.

Me Maternal?!?!

Well, many say 'once the baby is born you will feel more maternal' especially to those fiercely independent minded women who others thought were too self-involved to be mothers. I think for some I may have fit that mold since I waited to my mid to late thirties, traveled often and was always on the go even after marrying, especially often without my partner. So my urge and vehement fight to have a baby despite my fertility at times may have surprised some but those who KNOW me were not at all surprised despite my non-existent maternal instinct to some. Well, he is here and I have spent the last 6 months day in and day out caring, falling in love, being emotional and being frustrated too. I always knew parenting was the most complex, challenging and worthwhile job one could do as a teacher seeing when it is not done well and having benefited myself from excellent parenting. But what many do not talk about is the deep set longing and tightening grip I would posses trying to hold on to the woman I was before I became Kaden's mom. Is there space for that woman, still? Do not misunderstand I unapologetically desire, love and crave my son's presence, smell and smiling yet sleeping face when I am apart from him and stare at him lovingly still in awe he is really in my arms looking to me for his all. However, I am, La Tanya, and she still dreams about La Tanya not just parenting - oh yeah also being a wife and partner to my hubby. As I peruse several articles between the naps, bottle cleanings, laundry, feedings, diaper changes and hours (opps I meant minutes) of baby programming and sprout that deal with mom shaming for women who do not fit the mold of all the definitions already determined by child manuals and how-to books - I realized I do not quite fit. I am set on making motherhood my own as I have with every other thing in my life - on my own terms. So, on my own terms I am not your typical woman so I am 'that' mom. The mom who is type A but also really not domestic and worried how my child is going to adjust or better yet how I am gonna adjust my pizza, taco, burger, salad, steamer eating menu for a growing toddler. Yet, I am confident I will work it out - that's just it I am growing more confident with each growth spurt he has my confidence increases. He is growing and developing because of all I and we have been doing together just fine so I am putting a new face on what is maternal at least for me. That confidence and willingness to accept who I am as a mother is the best thing I can do for my son because the saying about happy wife happy life - I think happy mom happy child. I encourage all new moms and seasoned moms you do not have to fit any mold even one you formerly had but create your own style of mothering/parenting that is best for your child and your home regardless of external pressures no matter how well meaning they may be - you are still the most important person for yourself and your child/ren. Stay tuned to see how La Tanya, the woman, wife and mom along with Kaden flourish.

We (I) Made It...Now let's stop

I was quitting everyday but I - I mean we managed to stick it out for 6 months -this was my daily mantra during my breastfeeding journey. I wanted and planned to breastfeed because of all the great things it would provide for my baby's health and the bonding. Well, it is the hardest job - who would have thought next to pregnancy and c-section recovery nursing a baby would be this intense. Whoever says it's beautiful lies. It's painful, long suffering, and the most exhausting experience that I will forever treasure. Knowing my body was doing something right after I felt it was wrong when I lost two babies before my rainbow, Kaden, arrived. Seeing through drowsy eyes, mostly hearing, my son being fulfilled by something my body produced just for him was an astounding feeling. The pressure to breastfeed is also rivaled by its stigma or shaming when something encouraged is done publicly- how ironic. Breastfeeding seems to be an oxymoron in our pop culture and because of this I rarely venture out often because of my lack of confidence nursing. This natural thing I seemed to execute rather clumsily outside of my home. So, being a new mother became more isolating since I did not feel sure, safe or completely covered if my son and I went out. Despite an additional layer of isolation to being a new mom at home with a baby, he and I made it through for the first half of his life doing what's best for him. Parenting is about sacrifice which I will explain to my breast now that I have them back - I think!?! For those debating to nurse or not remember being the best mom is to do what feels right for you despite social or other pressures. For me I had to keep telling myself that when I decided to supplement at night to give the boobs a break. Initially, I felt like a failure but I came to the conclusion anytime you take care of yourself you are being a good mom. You have to be whole in order to give yourself fully to your baby or children. So, farewell discomfort, breast pump, stretching, milk bags and ice packs but hello to cleaning bottles and mixing formula. Contrary to popular beliefs I will not miss nursing, I will continue to snuggle and bond with my baby. Nursing taught me the most important lesson which is to do what you think best for baby and yourself - becoming a mother enhances not eclipses the woman you are.

Number 4

Yesterday was Mother's Day - I got loads of texts, FB posts and countless in person Mother's Day wishes. Many think it is my first Mother's Day yet, it was my fourth Mother's Day. I became a mother April 2012 and November 2012 to my two angel babies, Kennedy and Langstan. I know some feel awkward or uncomfortable about the mention of my angel babies, but they were birthed and lived (if even for a short time) as my babies so I will always include them in my motherhood story. I am forever connected to those who have wished me Happy Mother's Day these past four years. Having my rainbow baby (baby born after a storm/loss) makes this Mother's Day momentous and bittersweet. Momentous because now anyone and everyone can see me as a mother with him in my arms but also bittersweet because his older siblings are missing from our family. This experience has made me a much more deeply feeling mother that thoroughly lives in every movement, minute and moment of his growth, change and development daily. Having carried this desire to be a mother these last 5 years makes Mother's Day belong to me each day I awake, even if it is 4 am most days. So, no it is not my first I have been celebrating Mother's Day for four years keeping the memories of my other babies alive with me now as Kaden's mom. I am focused on being his mother which is enriched having mothered Kennedy and Langstan. This day can never pass without me speaking the names of all my children which I hope helps to acknowledge the place of all women who are mothers to angel babies and women who are battling to become mothers. Mother's Day encompasses all women in the diversity of what being a mother means and it's not always the babies/children you see that make a woman a mother.

THREEmendous Months of Motherhood

Wow! My goal was to blog more but being a mother has taken over my days trying to sneak in sleep in between feedings and being obsessed with taking pics of my lil baby boy. Well, here is the next edition...it is amazing how much he changes daily. He is developing his personality and I now know he is a morning baby but I am not a morning mama. However, when he hits me with those bright eyes and grin I cannot help but want to be up at 4 am grinning with him. Oh yea the breastfeeding thing is still going strong - although I am quitting daily - but it is the easiest in the middle of the night when he is hungry. Of course I am doing all the DON'Ts he is sleeping with me, I carry or baby wear him constantly and I do not always sleep when he sleeps hence me blogging now. I am also the googling Mom double checking that he is developing his milestones. Having him hold and grab things or simply rolling over makes my day I feel such a sense of achievement as his mother. As Mother's Day approaches I am in a different place because I have been a mother for fours years to 2 angels but somehow having my rainbow will make this weekend more monumental for me and my family. There are still days (and always will be) that I am spiritually overwhelmed and it comes out emotionally in my tears as I see faith fulfilled in Kaden's presence. At times worry creeps in that I am raising a black man in these times where Trump is a viable candidate to run our country. It is these times I go back to God and my faith believing he will lead us as we rear him in America in the 21st century. There are days I go through all these elements of spirit, worry, researching and loving (you say spoiling) him - did not know I would feel so deeply, daily. Again, I cannot praise my mother and friends that are mothers enough for their examples, listening ear but also learning that it is okay I am fallible and will make mistakes. Moreover, the team approach with the hubby has been the most rewarding lately - truly knowing we are in this tired and together. Kaden has changed our relationship, routines, sleep but mostly the depth or magnitude of love we experience because of him. Motherhood/parenting (I know cliche) truly is love.

4 years and 10 weeks

Today marks 4 year angelversary for my first child, Kennedy Joi while I care for my 10 week old baby boy, Kaden Amir. This day four years ago made me a mother and I had to start truly caring for her well being more than anything. I learned about parenting sacrifice and difficult decisions from KJoi's birth and death. She will always be with me, along with all the dreams I had for her. I say her name and acknowledge her life always but especially today when she entered this world. I learned much from her about selflessness and love most of all. Loving her enough to do what is best for her life was to let God have her fragile body not yet ready for this world. Being with KJoi started a new work in me, my faith and relationships were deepened. She has helped me become the mother I am today. Surviving the loss of her has helped me to thrive, living and cherishing all life moments. She has helped me to continue pursuing motherhood which was not simple or without obstacles. Yet, we are here with my rainbow baby after the storm. Kaden can never replace her presence in my life. I am enjoying this experience of motherhood with him albeit different from motherhood with her. I have been forever changed because of her and Kaden's life has been enriched having his sister as an angel watching over him. Loss changes but does not lessen especially for those who believe because HE enriches life giving beauty for our ashes.

2 Weeks of New Life

Wow! Today marks two weeks of life for our new family of me, hubby and our bouncing baby boy. These two weeks have been the most emotional, amazing, eye-opening and authentic experiences of my relationship with my mom, my marriage and motherhood. I have always knew my mom was this incomparable woman but having her with me to help me the first pivotal moments of my son's life made me thankful to God for choosing her for me. In addition, finally seeing the sheer joy and overflow of love that my husband exudes when he looks, touches and holds our son makes me feels accomplished as his wife. Moreover, as sleep eludes me I realized as a new mother that the African proverb 'it takes a village' is literally true. You need more than yourself when there is new life introduced. I began to reflect and recognize that all the women in my life who are single mothers have led me astray - they made it look easy and with some flare too. I knew they were always tired and running but I had no idea that the running is never ending. Not just physically running but mentally always thinking, worrying, planning and parenting. I never imagined this level of exhaustion but not wanting to sleep because you do not want to miss a moment of their life. All these emotions, hormones, no sleep, trying to always do the best and wanting to watch each new thing this new life brings is an exorbitant task. No one quite warned me sufficiently for this task. Yet, I am learning there is not anything one can put into language that truly describes what becoming and being a new mother is and will be. We have made it this far - two weeks of life - with a few hiccups along the way but most importantly this life confirms HIS life. God's promises have manifest in our lives through the birth of our son. Having endured this journey solidifies that God has designed my life not myself. This revelation brings to life the saying 'you are not your own' with Christ and more so now as a parent I am no longer LaTanya I am now Kaden's mom. I am excited to embark on this new life as Kaden's mom, one in which I have prayed for, this life, his life and our lives and now that more enriched.

Loss & Birth

I am a mess of emotions today. Not just because it's the day I was born (only some short time ago because I am so young) but it is also the day of my baby shower. This is a day I was not sure I would ever experience or be sane/brave enough to endure/enjoy. I struggled throughout this pregnancy about whether or not I should have a baby shower. This is the third attempt to plan one having experienced the loss of two babies. It seemed each time I got to a place of excitement and the planning of a shower I would encounter the unimaginable loss of my baby. So, there was much anxiety and fear wrapped in this idea of planning again. But God! I kept telling myself once I made this milestone in my pregnancy I would consider the planning. Pregnancy and hoping after losses is holding your breathe in between every doctor's appointment and exhaling as you leave the office only to start holding it again until the next appointment. With each exhale you feel relief but it only for short time and you are again restricted or limited in truly experiencing the innocence of pregnancy. During those exhale moments my team was able to get me to agree to a shower and participate (minimally) in the planning. I/we have made it to the day of this celebration of life so befitting it is on the day my life began (my birthday). The reality of this event has me in deep thought and feeling. Grateful for everyone who knowingly and unknowingly have been on this part of the tour of my life's journey to being a mother. Yet, in awe of how I got here - but would not want to be any other place. The amazement of how God orchestrated and designed my life to line up with people and experiences these past four years while riding the roller coaster of grief, loss, bereavement, despair, faith, hope and longing proves he has been directing this life I call my own the entire time.. I loved and believed in God because I knew that I should - I have always been a 'should' kind of person. Not knowing what to do next when I hit insurmountable twists and turns these past four years forced me to REALLY practice this 'should' faith and belief in God. The experiences of loss have moved me from a 'should' to an 'am' person. I am a lover and believer of God. HE has made my life a true manifestation of Isaiah 55:8-9 'His ways and plans are not our ways they are higher'. With HIS words I know today will be a great time of joy, love and celebration honoring his blessing of a child as HE continues to comfort me throughout this day.

More than a NEW year

It has been over a year since my last blog. Loss, fertility but more importantly living. I am living life the time I have been away not just a woman pursuing her fertility and maintaining her marriage but living. I did VEGAS girl style, Mexico with the Mister and the land of dreams Hollywood. Along with becoming a veteran teacher of 15 years in the game and still by some slim chance loving it here and there. Not just a veteran teacher but one born, bred and building in the trenches of a neighborhood city school where I see and help cultivate the roses among the concrete. Throughout all this life and living we got pregnant through IVF (which is a whole other life adjustment). Initially well throughout I have been quite hush, hush about this MIRACLE. Presently being 8 months with a 'normal'pregnancy I have allowed this journey or moment to go by without much fan fare. I told those who I took along on my roller coaster of loss and fertility initially and others knew from my growing belly. Many were afraid to ask because they remembered my losses and did not know how to ask or if I would invite them into this new part of the journey. That delicate space of 'don't ask don't tell' had it's own ebb and flow. At times I ignored the waves of others feelings about 'wanting' or 'expecting' to know and then there were times where the waves submerged me and I got swallowed into others emotions. However, I managed to put my feelings in the forefront and let the others weather the waves on their own - because after all at the end I have to be well for myself, my baby and my marriage not THEM. Yet, there were select others who were my watchful, patient, cheering section who perfectly balanced 'how', 'when' and 'just right' times to talk, LISTEN and sit with me throughout this new path of being pregnant at this time in this moment which is not the moments before it is different because it is now. Now, where I know I can endure, triumph and live again. This now life, different from before because I am different than before. So, for the last month of this new life inside of me I will tell about this difference coming back to blogging for such a time as this.