lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster

lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster: Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again b...

Roller Coaster

Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again booted in the lake of sadness, disappointment and can't take it anymore. Mentally I know we (and I) can keep going on this (our)journey to living babies especially after having a TAC placed June 2013. We took a year to emotionally and psychologically get ourselves together after two losses in 2012. But each month that we are TTC and are not pregnant I feel kicked in the stomach again while rowing back the land of HOPE which makes it much harder to stay the course. I am a believer and know God is here in this boat with us and at times HE is doing most of the rowing with FAITH back to the land of HOPE. Yet, that does not stop the emotional waves I feel of being a failure and that it should not be this hard and why/what is wrong with me or us that we have this struggle? Tears flow, flowing, running and at times I cannot bear to share this with others b/c I feel as if they won't get it and I will just be whining. I have to get it out so here is the flow from my heart about my desire to be a mother. My fear is having to do something more invasive than IUI such as IVF. I know life is a marathon but I feel as if my husband and I are in a triathlon with a series of events in which we have endured already. This experience requires God because only HE has gotten us through it with an intact marriage and with our own independent sense of sanity to still be present today. So, now it is God I cry out to help soothe this doubt and pain despite the anxiety, fear or fact it may occur again next month until HIS appointed time.