Mothering

I realized how much each step of this journey is valuable and necessary for movement. Going to my parents home and seeing my daughter's photos up with the other family photos was heartwarming yet real. Seeing those photos help me realize her process too as a grandmother being proud of the birth of her grandchild. It's helping me to be more open about Kennedy's life and gives me strength to keep moving on this journey. Through her expression I felt this urge to have pictures posted of my baby in my home. I had this excitement about choosing which photos and creating a collage arrangement to be presented in my home. I began to think about dedicating a space for her. She now is in our bedroom close to us always and I do not think I want her anyplace else in my home but I am going to put up her photos to begin celebrating her life and her memory. As my husband and I plan for more children I believe her photos will help me feel as if we are continually honoring her place in our family. Through that honor I can let go of the guilt I have for wanting more children. It was through this strengthened bond between my mother and I that has helped me be a mother to the life and memory of Kennedy Joi. It also makes this loss real there are times I feel like I am a walking zombie going through the motions of my life where this did not happen but her photos bring me to reality. I need that reality to continue on this journey I do not want to be stagnate because I have to be in each moment on this journey to move. So, thanks Mom for being an integral part of my life always, and such a pivotal part of this journey while you are on your journey too - how amazing. The realization of this ephiphany clearly shows how God works - for me to be able to have this perspective about this journey astounds me that it has been so clear and transforming in a way that I still love God even more understanding His love for me.

from another on this journey

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

For All My Compassionate Friends/Family

Your Compassionate Friend I can tell by that look friend, that you need to talk, So come take my hand and let's go for a walk. See, I'm not like the others - I won't shy away, Because I want to hear what you've got to say. Your child has died and you need to be heard, But they don't want to hear a single word. They tell you your child's "with God", so be strong. They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong. They're just hurting for you and trying to say, They'd give anything to help take your pain away. But they're struggling with feelings they can't understand So forgive them for not offering a helping hand. I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile. I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile. I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn, I'll just stay and listen 'til your night turns to morn. Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long, And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong. So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare, And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there. See, I owe a debt you can help me repay For not long ago, I was helped the same way. As I stumbled and fell thru a world so unreal, So believe when I say that I know how you feel. I don't look for praise or financial gain And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain. I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end- I'll be your Compassionate Friend. Author: Steven L. Channin

Road to new LIFE

Today I went in and spoke with my MD about what really happened. I am tired of thinking or saying it was fluke - it was a premature rupture of my membrane (water break) in which an infection ensued through the rupture to the placenta, umbilical cord and water bag. This what I heard previously but wanted to ensure there were not other medical concerns that may have lead/cause the rupture but there is nothing that pinpoints to a cause. I needed this MD review so that I was clear that I am healthy and have no problem carrying a baby this experience was not one that could have been prevented by myself or medical intervention. So our next step is a pre-conception plan and back to the fertility specialist. Our plan ironically aligns with what we were doing last year this time we started fertility September 2011 and will be again September 2012. I never thought wanting children would be this intense of a journey in our lives. I knew children would be life-altering but in the best ways and I still believe that. This experience has transformed the eyes I see through but I cannot help but see more babies.

Not yet...

We have not been back to our home church yet. Every Sunday I awake ready to go back home and worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ but then I become overwhelmed with facing people who may not know that we lost our baby girl. It's that anxiety & finality of Kennedy's life/death that keeps me from facing those outside my immediate circle. I know I am strong because I am still here with my right mind (Praise God) but facing others at times is something I am not always ready to face. God knows all because as I was writing this entry my Pastor calls and I hear him praying...wow I am always amazed by the the timing of God it not ours but always right. We will be at our church this coming weekend I have to fight the fleeting feeling of 'I can do this' that is at times seasoned with 'not today'. Not yet does not mean never it means I am on my way/we are on our way. We are there, just have to get our actions to follow that confession/belief.

Apprehensive

I have been doing ok these past few weeks. Thanks to outside drama and 'keepin busy' occupying my time and mind. Monday I go in to see my MD to review my chart and discuss what really happen medically with the premature water break and develop a plan for the next pregnancy(ies). Since I have been doing pretty okay these last few weeks going in for this discussion makes me nervous about taking a plunge backward on this journey. It's a conversation I need and feel like is pivotal for movement through this greiving process. Knowing will help me settle with what occurred and know what I have to face moving forward in adding to my family. As I seek out supports to help through this journey I discover the care I had was more than what other women have had in dealing with similiar situations but it does not stop my need for clarity. I appreciate the nurses in my support group giving my questions/wondering some directon on how to quiet those voices along this process. This is first step to getting some direction back in my life then I may be able to think about career and other life goals.

Interesting...

Took a holiday hiatus but was reaffirmed that God is GREAT in my life. I had a test this week and drama added too. I am a godmother to two beautiful little girls & this week I babysat my youngest goddaughter who is 23 months old. I willingly signed up for this duty because I cannot handle them both at the same time. Many I am sure probably do not understand why I would agree to this because of the loss of my little girl a short time ago. However, it was busy, funny, creative, hot and refreshing having her here in my home. I got a small slice of what moms deal with daily with little ones and it was exhilirating and exhausting. It was a joy and I kinda missed her when she left but it is and interesting part of this journey. Engaging and intereacting with babies and/or children is unavoidable I have godchildren I love, and so many other friends/family with children or babies that are apart of my life. I know that it is only God that allowed me to be present through this test and I love it. My loss is no one's fault so I can appreciate all the babies and children around me because they are blessings. Although, it does make me think of things I will do with my children and could have done with KJ. What I discovered is that silence about a loss makes others comfortable but negates the presence of the loss, which is my baby, so this is my way of never being silent about her and the time I had her here with me. More intersting on this hiatus are those who have risen to the occassion in my life on this journey and surprisingly those who remain silent because of their discomfort. Still remaining is Gods's presence in my life, the consistent discord that the enemey continually conjures and my husband walking this journey with me. Truly I know what marriage is/takes through this draining ordeal we have taken turns to hold one another up when the other just wanted to lay down and give it up.