Holidaze

Well, I got through Christmas Day. Thought I was good but the next morning it hit - some of the sadness about my children who are not here with me physically. I can say some because lately I find myself smiling when I think of them and not so sad. The best gift I got was hearing my husband sound hopeful about more children and say he knows there will be children in our future. This is a topic he dared not mention since our last loss. There has been so much conversation about things that can and will occupy our life and time since our children are not here but knowing that he too has hope again - the same hope that sprang in me soon after our last loss - makes me not so sad. The rest of the day was a daze just trying to get through and again occupy our minds. I never realized how much work it is to not think about something until now. Not thinking is the daze to get through. Most of the times the daze works and other people mostly do not recognize the daze - at times the energy it takes from you can be much but it;s necessary to get through this 'normal' part of our lives. Do not mistake me I am grateful for what I still have and most of all my sanity. I am most looking forward to New Year's Day... for any since of newness I can get. I know this newness will help me with the daily daze of of my life's journey. One day I will look up and no longer be in that daze or need that daze for my journey.

breaking - reaching

Today I reached out. I called a friend and for the second time talked about this pregnancy & Langstan. I also reached out for support with my group (sharing with them) before meeting and some spiritual support. I am proud of myself but more importantly of knowing that God is still with me & talking to God again. For awhile I could not bring myself to pray or talk to HIM but each day I am saying more. Reality is still something I struggle with knowing I should still be pregnant and anticipating another child's birth. I feel strong enough to see and talk with friends but there is anxiety surrounding work. I have a few more weeks before it will happen but being the teacher with two losses is not how I want to be labeled. Am I cursed? Each time I think I or we are over the hump I am dragged back into the depth of reality and grief. Is this bottom? It is my breaking point clearly! From this point I am reaching for something, hope, faith and new beginning which will lead me to life again.

all over the place - present/future?

Brought my son home today. Never thought I would have a shelf with my children. More like a shelf of photos of them not urns. Is this it for me? I wonder at times then the quiet voice of God whispers it is not over. Yes, it will not be easy or normal for me I see the idea of being on bedrest for 7 or 8 months is not ideal but life without children is that the life I want or can live with? It's only been 3 weeks there are times where I feel like time stands still then I realize time is moving. There are things that need to be done and I push myself to get back in the rhythm of life. My life has a new beat now and I struggle to keep up at times. There are moments when I catch myself laughing or actually living in the moment (not just existing) I am guilty because I have almost forgotten what has happened how can I forget. Or is forgetting the way to survive this ordeal. I always wanted to be a writer but did not want to tell this story. I change from moment to moment - got it together LaTanya, then blubbering mom wannabe, then clueless ambitionless shell, then gotta a plan Mrs. Lambert and somewhere in there is a wife and friend - and this occurs all in a day. I knew children would change my life but this is not the change I had in mind - who does?

IDK

I don't know about anything anymore. As I was thinking about my future and knowing that if/when we decide to have another baby I will have to be on bed rest for the pregnancy. I really am sent into the realm of unknowing, uncertainty and indifference. I am not sure what I want to do with my life beyond being here each day - I am wondering about ambition or goals what are those things? I knew what I wanted before a family and nice quiet life of being a responsible citizen but now I am not sure of some things. Career...dreams... Where are those things? I know I can return to my classroom but what else beyond that - where do I want to be 5 - 10 yrs from now? I have been taking it moment to moment not just day to day. Although, the past few days have been good. I have actually told someone about LJ recently and it was difficult but I knew it was a step I needed to take in addition to this was my good friend and I needed her so she needed to know. Moreover, I can not continue to hide from the reality of what has happened again. Not knowing is not who I am - I always have been aware of who and what I wanted in life and pursued those things but now living in this place of uncertainty is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. There are times when i am ready to go out and resume my life I get this surge of bravery to face it all but there are other times when I just want to stay inside avoid the looks, questions and discomfort of the world. I know I am going to be here but beyond that I am not sure about much else. I know I cannot wait to kick 2012 outta here and welcome in the newness of 2013 but what I am welcoming??? What I do know is that there is God because I would in NO way still be here physically or mentally without HIS presence daily but where I am with HIM I don't know. I know I am loved, I know that life is not over but what life I again I do not know.

Split Personality

Well the last few days I felt more hopeful tan ever since 11/18 when I realized I was losing another baby. But even with that hope I still have not been able to talk about it again. How can I be hopeful for my future, family and sanity while at the same time unable to speak the reality of what has happened? I know its a process no need to hit me with the cliches about time healing all wounds, or it is gonna take time or all other spiritual ones about God has a plan etc. Right now although I know all those things are or will be true at some point but not NOW I am not there to consciously receive them. All I know now is I am hopeful for a family however God sees fit to deliver that promise to me (us). Now we are taking time to heal physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually and get back to who we are individually and as a couple. I know that healing for KJoi was stunted with the news of new pregnancy and a new lease on life for new life. But here we are again...the waves of hope and pain of reality flow throughout the 24 hours of each of my days. Time with my hubby, calls/texts/emails from from friends and knowing a new year is coming help me make it through with sanity each day. Feeling and knowing I am loved helps but a deep desire for our babies still lives and will always live in the same place as this hope (renewed) springs each day. How many times can a person be made over - in discussing a theme for this year all we came up with was loss but I still am searching for a positive to put next to that loss - maybe my blog title says it best lossyetfaithful. I need to me more than the girl who most two babies this year I want to be more for myself, my husband, all those who love and care for me. I still want to be a mother too... Maybe this post should be mutliple personalities not just split.