Last but First

Well, this is the final month of this pregnancy and I have been relatively quiet in the blogsphere. We decided that this little girl will complete our family so we are out of the baby business. To know the happiness and fulfillment of being pregnant and having rainbow babies after the storms of loss is an inexplicable host of emotions, experience and sense of being. I am the mother of 4 and I most enjoy when people recognize and speak the names of my angel babies when they talk about my children not just the ones they see. So, in this last month of waddling, readying her space in our home and preparing for maternity leave I am reflective on this journey to motherhood and our family that began in 2012. This pregnancy was less health stress but more exhausting with a toddler running around. I even sometimes forgot I was pregnant until my body reminded me around week 28 (7 month) or so. The anxiety of getting my last baby here healthy has been replaced with the anxiety of having two of them present at the same time. I know the all consuming thinking, worrying, hoping and praying to conceive, carry to term and birth a healthy baby has now been replaced with over consumption of what's best, balancing screen time, healthy meals, language and learning concerns. For some women and couples so much goes in to getting a healthy baby here that there is no space to think through what and how life will be once they are here. In addition, to once they are here the time goes with a blink of an eye (which is all the sleep you get) and you are hoping to have cherished every moment of them. But to do it again - whew! It sounds great, yes he needs a sibling but those overwhelming thoughts of fear, doubt and the ordeal of conception and pregnancy arose again. Once again you are fighting the battle, which you have already won, but somehow that is not as consoling as you thought it would be once you have endured loss. Pulling and fortifying my faith is constant I have discovered you are never done building and rebuilding faith. Faith remains, maintains and sustains.