Like Waves...

The best description I have ever heard about grief besides the fact it is with you always, is that it comes in waves. With the loss of my cousin Cornelius comes the wave of grief for my Uncle Larry, his father. Not until I learned you had transitioned suddenly did I realize how much you still being here felt like my Uncle was still here too. Knowing you are now gone makes his death seem more final than ever. We were cousins yet never lived in the same space or place. We shared visits and a summer or two with your special hugs and the world you lived allowed us to love you whether near or far. Yes, you made us better people when you helped us understand you through your unique capability of having autism. Your autism forced us to be quiet to hear you even without words, patient to know you in all the ways you showed your personality but most of all expanded our sense of what love looks and feels like. So, despite now reflecting on how I or we could have spent more time with you and being repentant for taking the time we had with you for granted I am comforted in always knowing you were and felt loved and cared for by my Aunt Barbara Ann. You were the last piece of my Uncle physically here for us to see and touch and for that I am grateful but now that you have joined him I grieve for losing you and him again.

Not that KINDA mother

With all the media and outlets to write and discuss parenting - mothering often is the foundation of much of that running dialogue. How to and what is the 'norm' or mom bashing. As a fairly new member of this sorority I am finding myself often saying 'I'm not that type of mother'. Being a mother is a process that I am coming into daily and learning who I am as a mother which often times is separate from who I am as a woman. The expectations and constant barrage of social media sites, posts, dribble and overflow of imaging, articles and how-tos is at times insufferable. The generations before us had the benefit of one another and actual interaction not just social media which is becoming a oxymoron because there is often no socializing involved it is random posts, tweets and chats which do not engage or involve others - mostly. My approach is to not beat myself up about all the times I do not meet the 'should' do lists of 'being the best or greatest parent'. In addition, to allow my children to see me authentically not a farce I present as all knowing but a human who can apologize, does not like to cook (or do it all that well either), who gets angry or emotional but always one who is talking and more importantly listening. Being the mother of two angel babies, which I wish made me distinctive but I know too many who are on that road, also has me wondering when and how to introduce my rainbow babies to their angel siblings. I am also debating if this need to integrate them in to my toddler's lives NOW is my way of ensuring I keep their memories alive for me to absolve my feelings of guilt. Guilt for not doing more to interweave them in to our/their lives sooner. Yes, this kinda mother wants to be certain she is also mothering those angel babies. The balance of mothering is always teetering and my hopes are that I do not lose or fail to show up for my children while it seems more is being added to the scales. So, I am okay with being whatever mother that shows up daily, healthy and whole not on any new list of must haves or must dos according to some arbitrary new post, quiz, checklist or any other new inventive way chosen to evaluate mothers. When you see me or my children know and respect the way they are being mothered without comparison or judgement because I am NOT that KINDA mother. Here is my attempt to keep my promise to myself post monthly although I have not posted since May...again the balance of the scales.

Unspeakable

Well, there are no words or language that can...it is unspeakable.This feeling, emotion and desire birthed from love, arms wrapped around, words spoken and unspoken yet breathing in the same air of anxiety, memory, heaviness and inexplicable relief with joy that has emerged through this leg of life's journey of life from birth, to loss and rebirth. There are waves of emotions and I am consumed at times by these feelings and the weight of the goodness that has and is bestowed upon me, my marriage and our children. I have this unyielding pull that yearns to demonstrate my gratitude and gratefulness continually and aloud. I want and need my village to know and feel their connection to my survival and the groundwork for my thriving on this journey. To know without those words, deep silences, sitting and breathing in discomfort, wearing and warring in the heaviness along with life speaking, rejoicing, eating (lot of), immeasurable amounts of laughter, planning and adjusting to new ways of being all help me reflect and rebuild who I am, will be and am becoming moment by moment. This part of my life journey was one I did not want to own yet I now know without it I would not know this me or many of my villagers. I truly know HIM in relationship and not religion. That knowledge has been at the heart of maintaining the heart of my marriage not sure how to weather this storm not knowing if there would ever be relief despite that uncertainty (which is always there in stormy spells) there was love and more love for one another and for our commitment to one another. The storm seem to refresh our bond. The depth of pain is isolating but the presence of other people who just wanted to be there -not fix - but sit there waiting (they knew before I knew) when and that I would come out of the depths of my pain. Some of those people were old friends but many were new friends cultivated around the same pain now used to help support through Caring Connections (Heartstrings) group. As for my tried and true, friends and family this was a journey for them too and I have to acknowledge that they were changed as well seeing, feeling and opening themselves to this experience with me, never to be minimized or set aside they have been changed and their willingness to go along with me has been the greatest measure of friendship and relationship I will ever know. Here is one of my many attempts to put in to words that unspeakable feeling of gratefulness I have for my village.

Last but First

Well, this is the final month of this pregnancy and I have been relatively quiet in the blogsphere. We decided that this little girl will complete our family so we are out of the baby business. To know the happiness and fulfillment of being pregnant and having rainbow babies after the storms of loss is an inexplicable host of emotions, experience and sense of being. I am the mother of 4 and I most enjoy when people recognize and speak the names of my angel babies when they talk about my children not just the ones they see. So, in this last month of waddling, readying her space in our home and preparing for maternity leave I am reflective on this journey to motherhood and our family that began in 2012. This pregnancy was less health stress but more exhausting with a toddler running around. I even sometimes forgot I was pregnant until my body reminded me around week 28 (7 month) or so. The anxiety of getting my last baby here healthy has been replaced with the anxiety of having two of them present at the same time. I know the all consuming thinking, worrying, hoping and praying to conceive, carry to term and birth a healthy baby has now been replaced with over consumption of what's best, balancing screen time, healthy meals, language and learning concerns. For some women and couples so much goes in to getting a healthy baby here that there is no space to think through what and how life will be once they are here. In addition, to once they are here the time goes with a blink of an eye (which is all the sleep you get) and you are hoping to have cherished every moment of them. But to do it again - whew! It sounds great, yes he needs a sibling but those overwhelming thoughts of fear, doubt and the ordeal of conception and pregnancy arose again. Once again you are fighting the battle, which you have already won, but somehow that is not as consoling as you thought it would be once you have endured loss. Pulling and fortifying my faith is constant I have discovered you are never done building and rebuilding faith. Faith remains, maintains and sustains.

Reflection, Realization and Reignite

Reflection, in the new year and on the eve of a pivotal birthday year (yasss I am becoming 40) I have been racing to catch up with my mind as it reassess my last year and the past decade of my life. I have come to realize that relationships are the crux of our being whether that is family, friendship and/or intimate relationships. How a person filters their reality is often through the connections with other people - I know I am witty, matter-of-fact, a deep thinker, loyal, a friend, partner, mother, woman and most important loved through other's interactions and responses to me. It is in those relationships I have learned how to be a friend, partner, thoughtful, candid, nurturing, and more of the woman I am. Here's the realization, the truth I have gained this past decade - well there are many - but the one I think most authentic to this season in my life today is not about removing others or who you need to lose, which is often espoused in the new year new me branding, but for me more about clearly knowing who I am and maintaining that person despite others or circumstances. So, my thoughts are not about those around me who may or may not be bringing life or truth but more about how I can be profoundly me in how I handle them. Figuring out who you are is a complex process in itself. Once you know who you are it seems you are constantly having to protect and assert that you/person regardless of pressures and desires from society, expectations of others and this imaginary idea of who you 'should' be. As a human you are constantly bombarded with an endless montage of 'shoulds' in my case the type of black woman you 'should' be, what you 'should' have achieved at a certain age or stage in life, how you 'should' partner in your relationship, not to mention the the best mothers 'should' along with the assortment of commentary on women and friendships. Yes, some of those 'shoulds' can be viewed as advice or practical goals but much of the space it consumes in our society or our minds squeezes out the space that confirms that who I am is enough in all areas of my being. By no means am I saying not to aspire to be better but I am certainly saying take care of yourself, take stock in yourself and not so much on outside sources or pressures. Knowing who I am, accepting and appreciating that helps me filter and make decisions about my life. I can say 'no' without anxiety, I can choose to overlook or address comments from others about my, especially my mothering, life. I can spend my time with whom I chose without obligation. Reigniting my goals to develop and complete a book, pursue a second career option that will afford me more time with my family, where I am more aligned with my philosophy of education and humanity (which contradicts what education looks and feels like for my community - different/later blog topic), and maintain and grow relationships that are complementary while enforcing boundaries on other relationships. For the next 40 I am going to be me in my fullness really stretching to envelope all the space in my life that I may give myself sincerely to the life I have been gifted. Out goes the sayings, mantras or cliches about ones's circle and/or leaving others behind AND up goes my mirror to reflect, realize and reignite to be my best self. Here's to 40 more...

10 years Thoughtful Time Together

Well, I spend a lot of time writing about my grief process from my angel babies, my faith relationship with God and my joys of being a new mom. Never mistake I could not do this without a partner who supports, encourages and gives me space to be the layered woman I am. This post is for him.... my husband. This August marked our 10 year anniversary and it has been a complex, grand, exhausting, tested and true experience. In relationships we often take one another for granted unconsciously with our busy lives, schedules and obligations. However, he has always motivated me, valued, me as person and woman but mostly respected my feelings along with my independence. I am more than a handful at all times. He has been patient, thoughtful and wise with me and our family. More importantly, never has he allowed me to to give in to fear, stress or the belief that 'we can't' in any situation. Now he is truly the epitome of an action speaks louder than words kind of man.He may not say much but I somehow always feel his presence confirming we are partners in this together. Even times when I felt like a failure and I was failing him he continued to establish his love for me and our relationship. For his presence and his partnership these first 10 years have truly fortified us for the next decades to come. I now know God's love toward me through the mate he directed me to chose. He truly compliments me in ways that maintain our love. More than the love it keeps us 'liking' each other always talking and enjoying each other's company and that is what I know will continue the flame and the fun of being married to him. So, to you Mr. Lambert I say I enjoy you, us, our family and this life we are building while flying...you feel me (his joke)!

Savoring Not Spoiling

It has been 7 months of new life in our family. I often hear as a new mom DON'T you will spoil him. Oh well, I did all the don'ts and have coined a new term 'savoring'. I am savoring every moment that he is this size, huggable, willingly allowing me to snuggle him, reaching out for me, rocking and shaking him until he rests sweetly against my chest. Each day or week he is a new size, doing a new thing, recognizing he can do this and of course putting it in his mouth. So what, he is not milk or food he will not spoil but if I do not savor these moments I will spoil my time as his mommy when he was oh so small and needy. There will come a time when he will not be small (have you seen my husband!) and will be independent so let me savor him and this time. Yea, he may cry a little longer when I put him down or want to sleep with me at times and be a little shy with strangers but he is my baby and only for a short time in contrast of how much time he is spending growing out of being my baby boy. Each day he seems bigger or new to me so I am savoring him. When you see me hold him a little longer before putting him to sleep or spend much of my day snuggling him. Recently, returning to work adds perspective to how much time we are apart, especially after spending the first 7 months of his life with him full time. I realize I only get a few hours in the morning and evening so again allow me to savor him and don't spoil it.

Me Maternal?!?!

Well, many say 'once the baby is born you will feel more maternal' especially to those fiercely independent minded women who others thought were too self-involved to be mothers. I think for some I may have fit that mold since I waited to my mid to late thirties, traveled often and was always on the go even after marrying, especially often without my partner. So my urge and vehement fight to have a baby despite my fertility at times may have surprised some but those who KNOW me were not at all surprised despite my non-existent maternal instinct to some. Well, he is here and I have spent the last 6 months day in and day out caring, falling in love, being emotional and being frustrated too. I always knew parenting was the most complex, challenging and worthwhile job one could do as a teacher seeing when it is not done well and having benefited myself from excellent parenting. But what many do not talk about is the deep set longing and tightening grip I would posses trying to hold on to the woman I was before I became Kaden's mom. Is there space for that woman, still? Do not misunderstand I unapologetically desire, love and crave my son's presence, smell and smiling yet sleeping face when I am apart from him and stare at him lovingly still in awe he is really in my arms looking to me for his all. However, I am, La Tanya, and she still dreams about La Tanya not just parenting - oh yeah also being a wife and partner to my hubby. As I peruse several articles between the naps, bottle cleanings, laundry, feedings, diaper changes and hours (opps I meant minutes) of baby programming and sprout that deal with mom shaming for women who do not fit the mold of all the definitions already determined by child manuals and how-to books - I realized I do not quite fit. I am set on making motherhood my own as I have with every other thing in my life - on my own terms. So, on my own terms I am not your typical woman so I am 'that' mom. The mom who is type A but also really not domestic and worried how my child is going to adjust or better yet how I am gonna adjust my pizza, taco, burger, salad, steamer eating menu for a growing toddler. Yet, I am confident I will work it out - that's just it I am growing more confident with each growth spurt he has my confidence increases. He is growing and developing because of all I and we have been doing together just fine so I am putting a new face on what is maternal at least for me. That confidence and willingness to accept who I am as a mother is the best thing I can do for my son because the saying about happy wife happy life - I think happy mom happy child. I encourage all new moms and seasoned moms you do not have to fit any mold even one you formerly had but create your own style of mothering/parenting that is best for your child and your home regardless of external pressures no matter how well meaning they may be - you are still the most important person for yourself and your child/ren. Stay tuned to see how La Tanya, the woman, wife and mom along with Kaden flourish.

We (I) Made It...Now let's stop

I was quitting everyday but I - I mean we managed to stick it out for 6 months -this was my daily mantra during my breastfeeding journey. I wanted and planned to breastfeed because of all the great things it would provide for my baby's health and the bonding. Well, it is the hardest job - who would have thought next to pregnancy and c-section recovery nursing a baby would be this intense. Whoever says it's beautiful lies. It's painful, long suffering, and the most exhausting experience that I will forever treasure. Knowing my body was doing something right after I felt it was wrong when I lost two babies before my rainbow, Kaden, arrived. Seeing through drowsy eyes, mostly hearing, my son being fulfilled by something my body produced just for him was an astounding feeling. The pressure to breastfeed is also rivaled by its stigma or shaming when something encouraged is done publicly- how ironic. Breastfeeding seems to be an oxymoron in our pop culture and because of this I rarely venture out often because of my lack of confidence nursing. This natural thing I seemed to execute rather clumsily outside of my home. So, being a new mother became more isolating since I did not feel sure, safe or completely covered if my son and I went out. Despite an additional layer of isolation to being a new mom at home with a baby, he and I made it through for the first half of his life doing what's best for him. Parenting is about sacrifice which I will explain to my breast now that I have them back - I think!?! For those debating to nurse or not remember being the best mom is to do what feels right for you despite social or other pressures. For me I had to keep telling myself that when I decided to supplement at night to give the boobs a break. Initially, I felt like a failure but I came to the conclusion anytime you take care of yourself you are being a good mom. You have to be whole in order to give yourself fully to your baby or children. So, farewell discomfort, breast pump, stretching, milk bags and ice packs but hello to cleaning bottles and mixing formula. Contrary to popular beliefs I will not miss nursing, I will continue to snuggle and bond with my baby. Nursing taught me the most important lesson which is to do what you think best for baby and yourself - becoming a mother enhances not eclipses the woman you are.

Number 4

Yesterday was Mother's Day - I got loads of texts, FB posts and countless in person Mother's Day wishes. Many think it is my first Mother's Day yet, it was my fourth Mother's Day. I became a mother April 2012 and November 2012 to my two angel babies, Kennedy and Langstan. I know some feel awkward or uncomfortable about the mention of my angel babies, but they were birthed and lived (if even for a short time) as my babies so I will always include them in my motherhood story. I am forever connected to those who have wished me Happy Mother's Day these past four years. Having my rainbow baby (baby born after a storm/loss) makes this Mother's Day momentous and bittersweet. Momentous because now anyone and everyone can see me as a mother with him in my arms but also bittersweet because his older siblings are missing from our family. This experience has made me a much more deeply feeling mother that thoroughly lives in every movement, minute and moment of his growth, change and development daily. Having carried this desire to be a mother these last 5 years makes Mother's Day belong to me each day I awake, even if it is 4 am most days. So, no it is not my first I have been celebrating Mother's Day for four years keeping the memories of my other babies alive with me now as Kaden's mom. I am focused on being his mother which is enriched having mothered Kennedy and Langstan. This day can never pass without me speaking the names of all my children which I hope helps to acknowledge the place of all women who are mothers to angel babies and women who are battling to become mothers. Mother's Day encompasses all women in the diversity of what being a mother means and it's not always the babies/children you see that make a woman a mother.

THREEmendous Months of Motherhood

Wow! My goal was to blog more but being a mother has taken over my days trying to sneak in sleep in between feedings and being obsessed with taking pics of my lil baby boy. Well, here is the next edition...it is amazing how much he changes daily. He is developing his personality and I now know he is a morning baby but I am not a morning mama. However, when he hits me with those bright eyes and grin I cannot help but want to be up at 4 am grinning with him. Oh yea the breastfeeding thing is still going strong - although I am quitting daily - but it is the easiest in the middle of the night when he is hungry. Of course I am doing all the DON'Ts he is sleeping with me, I carry or baby wear him constantly and I do not always sleep when he sleeps hence me blogging now. I am also the googling Mom double checking that he is developing his milestones. Having him hold and grab things or simply rolling over makes my day I feel such a sense of achievement as his mother. As Mother's Day approaches I am in a different place because I have been a mother for fours years to 2 angels but somehow having my rainbow will make this weekend more monumental for me and my family. There are still days (and always will be) that I am spiritually overwhelmed and it comes out emotionally in my tears as I see faith fulfilled in Kaden's presence. At times worry creeps in that I am raising a black man in these times where Trump is a viable candidate to run our country. It is these times I go back to God and my faith believing he will lead us as we rear him in America in the 21st century. There are days I go through all these elements of spirit, worry, researching and loving (you say spoiling) him - did not know I would feel so deeply, daily. Again, I cannot praise my mother and friends that are mothers enough for their examples, listening ear but also learning that it is okay I am fallible and will make mistakes. Moreover, the team approach with the hubby has been the most rewarding lately - truly knowing we are in this tired and together. Kaden has changed our relationship, routines, sleep but mostly the depth or magnitude of love we experience because of him. Motherhood/parenting (I know cliche) truly is love.

4 years and 10 weeks

Today marks 4 year angelversary for my first child, Kennedy Joi while I care for my 10 week old baby boy, Kaden Amir. This day four years ago made me a mother and I had to start truly caring for her well being more than anything. I learned about parenting sacrifice and difficult decisions from KJoi's birth and death. She will always be with me, along with all the dreams I had for her. I say her name and acknowledge her life always but especially today when she entered this world. I learned much from her about selflessness and love most of all. Loving her enough to do what is best for her life was to let God have her fragile body not yet ready for this world. Being with KJoi started a new work in me, my faith and relationships were deepened. She has helped me become the mother I am today. Surviving the loss of her has helped me to thrive, living and cherishing all life moments. She has helped me to continue pursuing motherhood which was not simple or without obstacles. Yet, we are here with my rainbow baby after the storm. Kaden can never replace her presence in my life. I am enjoying this experience of motherhood with him albeit different from motherhood with her. I have been forever changed because of her and Kaden's life has been enriched having his sister as an angel watching over him. Loss changes but does not lessen especially for those who believe because HE enriches life giving beauty for our ashes.

2 Weeks of New Life

Wow! Today marks two weeks of life for our new family of me, hubby and our bouncing baby boy. These two weeks have been the most emotional, amazing, eye-opening and authentic experiences of my relationship with my mom, my marriage and motherhood. I have always knew my mom was this incomparable woman but having her with me to help me the first pivotal moments of my son's life made me thankful to God for choosing her for me. In addition, finally seeing the sheer joy and overflow of love that my husband exudes when he looks, touches and holds our son makes me feels accomplished as his wife. Moreover, as sleep eludes me I realized as a new mother that the African proverb 'it takes a village' is literally true. You need more than yourself when there is new life introduced. I began to reflect and recognize that all the women in my life who are single mothers have led me astray - they made it look easy and with some flare too. I knew they were always tired and running but I had no idea that the running is never ending. Not just physically running but mentally always thinking, worrying, planning and parenting. I never imagined this level of exhaustion but not wanting to sleep because you do not want to miss a moment of their life. All these emotions, hormones, no sleep, trying to always do the best and wanting to watch each new thing this new life brings is an exorbitant task. No one quite warned me sufficiently for this task. Yet, I am learning there is not anything one can put into language that truly describes what becoming and being a new mother is and will be. We have made it this far - two weeks of life - with a few hiccups along the way but most importantly this life confirms HIS life. God's promises have manifest in our lives through the birth of our son. Having endured this journey solidifies that God has designed my life not myself. This revelation brings to life the saying 'you are not your own' with Christ and more so now as a parent I am no longer LaTanya I am now Kaden's mom. I am excited to embark on this new life as Kaden's mom, one in which I have prayed for, this life, his life and our lives and now that more enriched.

Loss & Birth

I am a mess of emotions today. Not just because it's the day I was born (only some short time ago because I am so young) but it is also the day of my baby shower. This is a day I was not sure I would ever experience or be sane/brave enough to endure/enjoy. I struggled throughout this pregnancy about whether or not I should have a baby shower. This is the third attempt to plan one having experienced the loss of two babies. It seemed each time I got to a place of excitement and the planning of a shower I would encounter the unimaginable loss of my baby. So, there was much anxiety and fear wrapped in this idea of planning again. But God! I kept telling myself once I made this milestone in my pregnancy I would consider the planning. Pregnancy and hoping after losses is holding your breathe in between every doctor's appointment and exhaling as you leave the office only to start holding it again until the next appointment. With each exhale you feel relief but it only for short time and you are again restricted or limited in truly experiencing the innocence of pregnancy. During those exhale moments my team was able to get me to agree to a shower and participate (minimally) in the planning. I/we have made it to the day of this celebration of life so befitting it is on the day my life began (my birthday). The reality of this event has me in deep thought and feeling. Grateful for everyone who knowingly and unknowingly have been on this part of the tour of my life's journey to being a mother. Yet, in awe of how I got here - but would not want to be any other place. The amazement of how God orchestrated and designed my life to line up with people and experiences these past four years while riding the roller coaster of grief, loss, bereavement, despair, faith, hope and longing proves he has been directing this life I call my own the entire time.. I loved and believed in God because I knew that I should - I have always been a 'should' kind of person. Not knowing what to do next when I hit insurmountable twists and turns these past four years forced me to REALLY practice this 'should' faith and belief in God. The experiences of loss have moved me from a 'should' to an 'am' person. I am a lover and believer of God. HE has made my life a true manifestation of Isaiah 55:8-9 'His ways and plans are not our ways they are higher'. With HIS words I know today will be a great time of joy, love and celebration honoring his blessing of a child as HE continues to comfort me throughout this day.

More than a NEW year

It has been over a year since my last blog. Loss, fertility but more importantly living. I am living life the time I have been away not just a woman pursuing her fertility and maintaining her marriage but living. I did VEGAS girl style, Mexico with the Mister and the land of dreams Hollywood. Along with becoming a veteran teacher of 15 years in the game and still by some slim chance loving it here and there. Not just a veteran teacher but one born, bred and building in the trenches of a neighborhood city school where I see and help cultivate the roses among the concrete. Throughout all this life and living we got pregnant through IVF (which is a whole other life adjustment). Initially well throughout I have been quite hush, hush about this MIRACLE. Presently being 8 months with a 'normal'pregnancy I have allowed this journey or moment to go by without much fan fare. I told those who I took along on my roller coaster of loss and fertility initially and others knew from my growing belly. Many were afraid to ask because they remembered my losses and did not know how to ask or if I would invite them into this new part of the journey. That delicate space of 'don't ask don't tell' had it's own ebb and flow. At times I ignored the waves of others feelings about 'wanting' or 'expecting' to know and then there were times where the waves submerged me and I got swallowed into others emotions. However, I managed to put my feelings in the forefront and let the others weather the waves on their own - because after all at the end I have to be well for myself, my baby and my marriage not THEM. Yet, there were select others who were my watchful, patient, cheering section who perfectly balanced 'how', 'when' and 'just right' times to talk, LISTEN and sit with me throughout this new path of being pregnant at this time in this moment which is not the moments before it is different because it is now. Now, where I know I can endure, triumph and live again. This now life, different from before because I am different than before. So, for the last month of this new life inside of me I will tell about this difference coming back to blogging for such a time as this.

lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster

lossyetfaithful: Roller Coaster: Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again b...

Roller Coaster

Well, here I am again in the land of HOPE after starting cycle of clomid and IUI thinking we will and should be pregnant we are once again booted in the lake of sadness, disappointment and can't take it anymore. Mentally I know we (and I) can keep going on this (our)journey to living babies especially after having a TAC placed June 2013. We took a year to emotionally and psychologically get ourselves together after two losses in 2012. But each month that we are TTC and are not pregnant I feel kicked in the stomach again while rowing back the land of HOPE which makes it much harder to stay the course. I am a believer and know God is here in this boat with us and at times HE is doing most of the rowing with FAITH back to the land of HOPE. Yet, that does not stop the emotional waves I feel of being a failure and that it should not be this hard and why/what is wrong with me or us that we have this struggle? Tears flow, flowing, running and at times I cannot bear to share this with others b/c I feel as if they won't get it and I will just be whining. I have to get it out so here is the flow from my heart about my desire to be a mother. My fear is having to do something more invasive than IUI such as IVF. I know life is a marathon but I feel as if my husband and I are in a triathlon with a series of events in which we have endured already. This experience requires God because only HE has gotten us through it with an intact marriage and with our own independent sense of sanity to still be present today. So, now it is God I cry out to help soothe this doubt and pain despite the anxiety, fear or fact it may occur again next month until HIS appointed time.

Birth - day

I have officially joined the mature crowd this birthday - it's the first time my birthday caused me to reflect on my life. Do or have I acquired all I set out to do at this age?? Well, I have learned a lifetime of lessons in just the past 2 years. I learned the most integral things like who my real friends are, that parenting never ends as a child of parents who are each day becoming more my friends, that I married the right person and that love encompasses, heals, motivates and most of all the living of life. I begin the week of my birthday with this melancholy muddling mood (I can never let go of English teacher check that alliteration out) of look where you are this is not where you thought you would be BUT my week ended with reminders of who I am and what I mean to others. Consciously being aware of who I am in respect to others helped me snap back to gratitude and taken measure of the woman I am because of all I have acquired despite my losses I am more than that...I am a tenacious teacher (aspiring to greatness) which my students showed through cupcakes, hugs and plenty of "happy birthdays", I am a fantastic friend (I pray) so many of them wished me love, celebrated with me with food, spirits and their words, I am darling daughter, sensational sister, considerate cousin, nifty niece, glamorous granddaughter, whirlwind wife these are all the things that make up who I am as a woman…not just my losses. In my reflection of this Anniversary of my Birth I realized how fortunate I am because of all those people on the other end of my relationships where I can be all those great adjectives of darling, sensational and wonderful now knowing more than even that I am not that way always and giving myself permission to feel all the things I feel even when I feel low, empty and a deep longing but making sure I never stay there but recall my times in Las Vegas, Maui, the DR or even this past Christmas South Africa. I have been afforded some great people and places in the last 37 years...but I am more excited to realize more and more each day that this ride of life is just beginning...I deep expectation for HIS good work to be done and bring me to an expected end.

Holidaze

Well, I got through Christmas Day. Thought I was good but the next morning it hit - some of the sadness about my children who are not here with me physically. I can say some because lately I find myself smiling when I think of them and not so sad. The best gift I got was hearing my husband sound hopeful about more children and say he knows there will be children in our future. This is a topic he dared not mention since our last loss. There has been so much conversation about things that can and will occupy our life and time since our children are not here but knowing that he too has hope again - the same hope that sprang in me soon after our last loss - makes me not so sad. The rest of the day was a daze just trying to get through and again occupy our minds. I never realized how much work it is to not think about something until now. Not thinking is the daze to get through. Most of the times the daze works and other people mostly do not recognize the daze - at times the energy it takes from you can be much but it;s necessary to get through this 'normal' part of our lives. Do not mistake me I am grateful for what I still have and most of all my sanity. I am most looking forward to New Year's Day... for any since of newness I can get. I know this newness will help me with the daily daze of of my life's journey. One day I will look up and no longer be in that daze or need that daze for my journey.

breaking - reaching

Today I reached out. I called a friend and for the second time talked about this pregnancy & Langstan. I also reached out for support with my group (sharing with them) before meeting and some spiritual support. I am proud of myself but more importantly of knowing that God is still with me & talking to God again. For awhile I could not bring myself to pray or talk to HIM but each day I am saying more. Reality is still something I struggle with knowing I should still be pregnant and anticipating another child's birth. I feel strong enough to see and talk with friends but there is anxiety surrounding work. I have a few more weeks before it will happen but being the teacher with two losses is not how I want to be labeled. Am I cursed? Each time I think I or we are over the hump I am dragged back into the depth of reality and grief. Is this bottom? It is my breaking point clearly! From this point I am reaching for something, hope, faith and new beginning which will lead me to life again.